Planet Proctor # 12

QUOTE OF THE MILLENIUM

In the Associated Press release about 7-year-old Kristina Jacobson's harrowing kidnapping experience and hundred-mile chase in Oregon, the following end-of-the-millenium sentence appeared:

"Kristina said she used her Bambi book to smash a window and escape because she didn't want the kidnapper's blood to get on her sun dress."

FROM THE DEPT OF REDUNDANCY DEPT

I played the Speaker of the House last week on the premiere episode of the new primetime cartoon series "The Blues Brothers" but since the parts of Jake and Elwood are being played by Jim Belushi and Peter Akroyd, shouldn't it really be called "The Blues Brothers' Brothers?" Just asking, asking. . .

LIFE IN HEAVENLY BILLS

A classy quarter-page ad in the L.A. Times announces a Sotheby's auction of fine and rare wines from the cellars of the late George Burns offering a photo with the following sidebar:

"4 Bottles of Chateau Latour, 1945. Auction estimate: $5,000 - 7,000."

Say "Good grief, Gracey." (I wonder what his cigar butts are going for?)

"O, B' E' B' OLD"

The fun never stops on the Bob Dole Magical Misery Tour.

Last week, before sequestering himself in The Heartbreak Hotel to cram for the debate exam, L.A. Times writers Chen and LaGanga reported the following incidents at Bob's rally in Cleveland:

"Well before he had concluded his remarks, blasts of confetti were showered upon the crowd. . .[and] . . .behind Dole as he spoke was a large red-and-white balloon arrangement that was to read 'Dole/Ohio;' instead, the words came out: 'Dole/Oho.'"

RED SALES IN THE SUNSET?

Microsoft halted all sales of Windows 95 in China last week as police confiscated installation kits prepared by Taiwanese subcontractors for Asian distribution for employing "culturally inappropriate" descriptions of Chinese leaders as -- "Communist bandits."

Sounds a little like the problem they encountered earlier this summer when Bill's Spanish version fingered Mexican Indians as "Savages" and "man eaters."

Don't point tha' finger at me, man, I'll bite it off. . .

WANNA NECK?

(As reported in the L.A. Times) In a long-brewing dispute in the city of South Pasedena regarding the right of pot-bellied pig owners to let their pets roam free without facing charges of "herding an animal in public," an ordinance has been passed that requires all swine to sport a leash in public.

Owner and potbellied activist Kalyn Baker is planning to continue her fight against porcine prohibitions for her 80-pound pet "Tulip" because she claims "her pig has no neck."

"I can put a harness on her back," she added, "but she can wiggle out of that, too."

Let's see if Kalyn can wriggle out of that ordinance. . .

HEARTBREAK HOTEL

I had a coffee at the famous Knickerbocker Hotel not too long ago and picked up an uncredited handbill containing the following facts about the place which was once one of the best-known watering-holes in Hollywood back in the not boring 20s.

I learned that Rudolph Valentino used to ride down on horseback from the Ivar Hills to dance the tango. (Must've been a very pretty horse.)

Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio had their honeymoon at the Old Knick; and other famous residents include Mae West, Barbara Stanwyk, Lana Turner, Frank Sinatra, Cecille B. DeMille, Hedda Hopper, Laurel & Hardy, The Three Stooges, and yes, even Elvis Presley -- who penned "Heartbreak Hotel" there!

In the 40s, Paramount Pictures contract player Frances Farmer -- deemed too "strong-willed" to be controlled by the studio -- was dragged nude through the bar wrapped only in a shower curtain on her way to a lobotomy and eventually a hit movie starring Jessica Lange.

It was on this roof every Halloween, that Harry Houdini's wife Harriett used to conduct seances in a vain attempt to contact her late husband who disappeared on that date in 1926.

But by 1936, Harriett apparently figured out how to reach him -- by jumping off the roof herself. (Editor's note: see a correction to this item in Planet Proctor 15.)

Other stars who "fell" or burned out there include William Frawley (who liked to have a walnut cracked and put in his drink every night) and both he and "Fred Mertz" dropped dead on the front sidewalk; Irene, famous dress designer to the stars, who leaped to her death in 1962 but fell onto the hotel canopy where she lay undiscovered for several days; and the great pioneer D.W. Griffith, who dragged himself downstairs only to expire silently under the art deco chandelier in the lobby --"Lights, Action, Coroner?"

AMISH THE FARM

(In honor of my Mom, the former Audre Jane Yoder, who turned 82 on Wednesday.)

"Listen to All Amish Radio: All The Hymns -- All The Time."

"Two things you'll never see on an Amish farm: a guy calling from his carphone."

And last, butt not least --

"What do you call a guy with two arms up a horse's ass?
An Amish mechanic."

(My wife's coming back tomorrow. See you in a few weeks.)

Published 10/06/96