Planet Proctor # 14

COMEDY COMRADE

It has been brought to my detention that there is another similar service out there called "This is True," by Randy Cassingham, so if you enjoy this, try that. To receive "THIS IS TRUE" regularly by e-mail for no charge, send e-mail to listserv@netcom.com with the message: "subscribe this-is-true" (without quotes). Enjoy.

And now for today's top secret edition:

KGB OR NOT KGB?

In an old "Soviet Life" -- now called "Russian Life" -- back in June of 1991, which I came across emptying out a magazine basket next to our toilet in the "Library," is the following feature which I must share in good ol' fashioned "Commie" style:

"Miss KGB - Katya Mayorova!"

Excerpts from the following article are drawn from text provocatively draped around degradingly bourgeois color candids of a shapely dark-hair, sloe-eyed 23-year-old honey in a short dungaree skirt applying makeup (for a mission?), foot-boxing, typing at her lap-topski, holding a wicked looking handgun at the firing range (in her stylish top complete with pocket hanky and necklace), and serving tea to a lucky comrade in her book-lined, bug-free sitting room.

"The contest was a real challenge," the article contends, "A winning smile and a stunning figure weren't enough -- you had to excel in shooting and wrestling and walk with a dancing step in a bulletproof vest weighing six kilos. Mayorova belongs to women's wrestling and parachute-jumping clubs. 'I kept my jumps secret from Mom, but now she knows,' she laughs. (Her mother was a Bozoette in school.)

"When the lanky beauty was attacked by some hoodlums late one night returning from work, a few lightning movements -- and the tough guys lay on the pavement. Next thing they knew, they were at the militia station. ‘I've never really been attacked,’ reveals Katya, this attack was staged for the contest. ‘I hate real fights, and I'd love to have someone to protect me. But no ordinary guy would do. I'm likely to get into awful scraps -- only a James Bond could cope.’"

She obviously likes to be stirred, not shaken...

THERE'S A REAL BOZO ON THIS BUST

(From Associated Press by way of our pal and Firesign archivist, Michael Packer)

Bob Dole may have stuck a size 83-XXX foot in his mouth when he referred to President Clinton as Bozo, recalling a similar quip from George Bush during the 1992 race. Dole made the remark during a campaign stop here Tuesday, angering television's original red-haired, bubble-nosed, big-shoe-wearing clown, Larry Harmon.

"It irks me when people use the character's name in a demeaning way," Harmon said. "It's like attacking motherhood and apple pie for heaven's sake." (My mother was a Bozoette in school!)

At the rally in Lyndhurst a man in the crowd shouted to Dole as he shook hands, "Please get Bozo out of the White House." The Republican candidate called back, "Bozo's on his way out!" Dole spokesman Nelson Warfield dismissed the exchange as a light moment in the campaign. Harmon said there's more to it than that.

"Bozo's a good luck charm," he said. "Look what it did for President Clinton. (Not to mention the Firesign Theatre!) Bush called him a Bozo, Clinton shot back that Bozo makes people laugh and.. . .went laughing all the way to the White House."

In the final weeks of the 1992 campaign, President Bush referred to Clinton and Al Gore as "two Bozos" who know less about foreign policy than a dog. After Clinton's victory, Harmon sent him a congratulatory telegram: "And remember what your ol' pal Bozo always says, 'Just Keep Laughin'."

I THINK WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS LAWN

Listening to my favorite drivetime talk show -- and remember, every time is drivetime out here -- The John & Ken Show with John Kobelt (my neighbor) and Ken Champeau (not), I heard some fascinating stuff in their "Odd News" segment. First, they talked about a guy named Thad Pappel (Papoon?) who runs a traveling Swingers Club and just won a malicious harassment suit against his local police.

Seems he rented a bus once for one of his sexy mixers, filled it with paying naked "members" and drove around until they ran out of gas. What would Larry Harmon say to that?

Another item referred to a woman charged with "unlawful communication" for lying naked with her legs spread on the grounds of the jail where her husband Ernie, detained on burglary charges, might see her -- and fondling herself. Her name?

Teena Rae Beavers.

Truth IS stranger than friction.

AN ACTOR'S LIFE FOR ME?

My secret Agent sent me on a reading last week for a potentially recurring role as a poker buddy in the new sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond" (everybody but TV audiences, that is).

At ten in the morning, dressed in character, complete with bowtie and glasses, I walked into a room at Hollywood Center Studios only to be greeted by my old acting buddy John Schuck who was sitting next to every 70-year-old bald, pot-bellied, cigar-smoking Jewish and Italian character actor in town and a black man -- all reading for the same role.

Guess who you won't see on "Everybody Loves Raymond" next week? "However," (as the fabled Professor Irwin Corey was wont to say) I will be working with John Schuck next week, in the L.A. Theatreworks live radio performances for a paying public Thursday through Sunday at the Doubletree Guest Quarters in Santa Monica, of the play Melinda just closed in Rochester -- "State Of The Union."

It has been updated somewhat by Sidney Blumenthal to reflect the current state of politics, stars Daken Matthews, Ann Archer, Lindsey Crouse (in Melinda's role) and is scheduled for nationwide broadcast on KCRW, November 3. and subsequently on other NPR stations.

Check your local listings!

MICKEY WE HARDLY KNEW YE

And finally from Marv Wolfman, with a few additions by your humbug savant, these howlingly funny "New Disney Classics":

The Inferno by Dante Aligheri -- The poet Dante (the voice of Bruce Willis) is led by his friend Virgil (the voice of Anthony Quinn) on a magical trip underground to the land of "Heck." Among the delightful creatures they visit are the lovebirds Paolo and Francesca (the voices of Andrew Dice Clay and Rosie O'Donnell), the Crying Trees (the band Nirvana), and the Five Singing Little Devils (the Jacksons).

Moby Dick by Herman Melville -- Crusty seafarer Captain Ahab (the voice of Dom Deluise) and his lovely mermaid friend Fishtail (speaking voice of Brett Butler, singing voice of Alanis Morrissette) take Ahab's young nephew Ishmael (Matthew Broderick) on a delightful romp at sea in search of the legendary great white whale Moby Dick (voice of Robin Williams). Though songs of the whale's evil temper and destructiveness are sung by many of the friendly natives on the islands visited by the jolly crew, Moby turns out to be a lonely, but lovable, giant. Ishmael learns an important lesson: Things aren't always as they appear!

Animal Farm by George Orwell -- Pigs, chickens, horses -- all the familiar barnyard crowd -- are the heroes of this charming celebration of teamwork and diversity. The poor animals, having suffered for years on a failing farm under the tyranny of the cruel farmer Jones (Robert Goulet), are suddenly liberated when Jones trips and falls down a well. Though things are chaotic at first, the kindly young pigs Snowball (Michael J. Fox) and Napoleon (Eddie Murphy) help the animals all work together to turn the farm into a model of efficiency and happiness. After the animals nurse Jones back to health, he changes his evil ways and promises to treat all living things as his equal.

Hamlet by William Shakespeare -- With his father dead and his evil uncle Claudius (Sylvester Stallone) now ruling over the once-happy people of Denmark, all seems lost for poor prince Hamlet (Johnny Depp). But Hamlet's father (Leslie Nielson) is only pretending to be dead until he can safely help place his young son on the throne and his evil brother in jail. Featuring an underwater ballet with the beautiful Ophelia (Bette Midler) and the loony antics of a wise-guy skull named Yorick (Rodney Dangerfield), Hamlet's best friend.

No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre -- Old friends Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Minnie Mouse are surprised to find themselves sharing a room in a beautiful resort hotel. Their every need is catered to by a mysterious butler (Jim Carrey). Opening in conjunction with Walt Disney World's new attraction, Being-and-Nothingness Land.

The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka -- Young Gregor Samsa (Arnold Schwarzenegger), overwhelmed by the demands of his job as a clerk, wishes each night that he was a creature without responsibility. He is amazed one morning when he awakes to find himself changed into a beautiful beetle, (Paul McCartney) which delights his family and terrifies his cruel boss (Jerry Seinfeld), who is horribly afraid of insects. Jiminy Cricket (Jimmy Carter) guides young Gregor to a happy community of insects that nest below the dull city of Prague.

Oedipus Rex by Sophocles -- Thanks to the advice of a wise old owl (Sally Kellerman), a young boy (Neil Patrick Harris) avoids many traps set by the evil fates (Candice Bergen, Cybill Shepard, and Mary Tyler Moore) to help save Greece (Toronto) from disaster. The boy, who was stolen from his family at birth, is finally reunited with his loving mother (Barbara Streisand) and father (Bill Cosby).

Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett -- Vladimir and Estragon (the delightful Chip 'n' Dale) wait for Godot (Rush Limbaugh), who arrives with limitless presents and makes all their dreams come true.

Better Luck Next Time,
Phil Proctor (Voice of Larry Harmon)

Published 10/9/96