I went into Tashman Hardware on Santa Monica in Redtown today to pick up a neon starter, and sure enough, everyone was speaking Russian! Luckily, I knew how to hold up my burned-out starter and say po-russi "Where?" Then, when I went to pay I asked "How do you say ‘Happy Halloween’ in Russian?" The fellow behind the counter answered, "There is no Halloween in Russia." Then after a moment’s reflection he added, "Actually, every day in Russia is Halloween."

From Games Magazine (1984) by way of gamey Kerry Millerick:

"Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria"

(Or did she write:)

"Dear John: I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria"

One of Sam Longoria’s wild-siders sent him these, and Sam says: "They are glorious, awe-inspiring, and amazing, or at least noteworthy. Well, they struck me as odd. Or slightly odd. I guess they are commonplace. Nothing really to write home about. Hardly worth a notice. Ordinary, really. Rather long. Tedious, pedantic, and dull. A pain to read. Agonizing torture. I just wanted to share them with you." Thanks, Sam. I guess.

Attila the Hun, one of the most notorious villains in history, had conquered all of Asia from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire in 450 AD by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during large banquets, but in 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico and on his wedding night really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.

Tycho Brahe, an important 16th century Danish astronomer whose groundbreaking research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity -- didn’t get to the bathroom in time. Back then, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table before the meal was over and Brahe, who drank excessively, was suffering from a bladder condition but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started and made matters worse by drinking to excess. Being too polite to ask to be excused, his bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and painfully over the next 11 days.

Horace Wells, who pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s used anesthetics to commit suicide. While experimenting with various gases during his research, Wells became addicted to chloroform and in 1848 he was arrested for spraying two women with sulfuric acid. Four days later he was found dead in his cell having anaesthetized himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

Francis Bacon, statesman, philosopher, writer, and scientist of the late 16th century, who was even rumored to have written some of Shakespeare’s plays, died stuffing snow into a chicken. One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow, attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never froze, but Bacon did.

Jerome Irving Rodale, founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine and founder of Rodale Press, died of a heart attack on the "Dick Cavett Show" while discussing the benefits of organic foods. Rodale, who bragged "I’m going to live to be 100 unless I’m run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 in January 1971 when, part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. The show never aired.

Aeschylus (500 BC). was considered the father of Greek tragedy when according to legend, an eagle mistook Aeschylus’ bald head for a rock and dropped a tortoise on his head, killing him tragically and yet somehow -- comically.

Jim Fixx, author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running" which started the jogging craze of the 1970s, died of a heart attack while jogging near his house.

And finally there’s Lully, a popular 16th-century composer for the king of France who in rehearsal, got so involved beating time with his staff that he drove it right through his foot. He later died of the infection.

You think you’re computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton sent to us by The Black Knight:

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer’s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

Vanna Bonta , beautiful and talented author of "Flight" a quantum science fiction novel now available in paperback (with a quote from moi on t’back!) -- comes:

Tech Manual by Dr. Seuss aka Ed Neeham:

Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s and easy thing to say:

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ‘cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this?
What a shame sir!

We’ll find you
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly reflected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

From: net surfer Wayne "Mr. Trivia" Newitt:

The company that provided the liability insurance for the Republican National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of the RMS (Royal Mail Ship) Titanic.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay if both parties are registered blood donors.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents present who don’t die before the end of the movie.

Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubble’s Maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.

Gilligan of "Gilligan’s Island" had a first name that was only used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper’s real name on Gilligan’s Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once in the first episode on their radio’s newscast about the wreck.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up it’s stomach first which dangles out of it’s mouth. Then the frog uses it’s forearms to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and swallows the stomach back down again.

Los Angeles’s full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

--Unless you only speak Russian.

Published 10/31/96

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor