We've just entered the starspace of Tourist, the Bull Artist. You've been living in a world of make believe, tourist -- lying to your friends about your fantastic adventures and achievements, even stealing snapshots from the fotoshop and pasting your pasty face onto those hardbodies. But the truth is, you're a fake! You xeroxed your resume from some book, got that letter sweater from the Goodwill, and earned all those sports trophies by beating the crowd to the garage sale every Saturday.

You could just own up to the truth and start being yourself but then you'll have to say goodbye to your friends, your job and your self-respect and hello to a life watching daytime TV and cultivating couch potatoes by night.

This is Doctor Astro reminding you: belief in pseudo science isn't always enough; you have to embrace the fraud within you -- and that's me, Cloud Astro! See you next Sign...

• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy... In 525 B.C., the Persians whipped the Egyptian Army. A cunning Persian officer lined up a row of cats in front of his troops. The Egyptians soldiers thought the cats were sacred. They wouldn't fire off any arrows. But the Persians would. They killed just about everything in front of them except the cats.
  
• Grown birds don't sleep in nests...A woodpecker with its beak -- even as a logger with an ax -- strikes alternate blows, left, right, left, right...Emus cannot walk backwards...Some Texas sheep ranchers post female "guard donkeys" to protect their flocks from coyotes...Camel's milk does not curdle...It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound...Giraffes have no vocal cords... An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes...Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants...On every foxhunt, one hunter was assigned as "whipper-in." He had to whip stray hounds back to the pack. Whence the term for that Congressional worthy, the "whip.
  
• The prayer gesture of placing the palms together in front of the face goes all the way back to a pagan practice of binding the hands to show submission to various gods.
  
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too late.
  
• The United States government keeps its supply of silver at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, NY...There are only thirteen blimps in the world. Nine of the thirteen blimps are in the United States...Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of "F."
  
• Since 1896, the beginning of the modern Olympics, only Greece and Australia have participated in every Olympics... Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize...Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
  
• Though crossword puzzles were invented in 1913, "crossword" didn't get into any of our dictionaries until 1930. So even if nobody in your family is older than the puzzle, surely somebody in it is older than the word...The phrase "apple pie" in "apple pie order" comes from the French "nappes-lies" meaning "folded linen." The idioms for neat and orderly mean the same in both languages..."Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison..."Janitor" started out as a fancy name for the building caretaker because such a worthy always carried keys, even as did "Janus," the Roman god of doors.
  
• Your body, if typical, makes about an ounce of alcohol a day. Remarkable. Almost enough...If a tickler tickles you, you won't laugh unless you trust the tickler...Chinese women of old swallowed 24 live tadpoles in early Spring to insure five years without conception. Have you seen China's population statistics? Must've run out of tadpoles.

From "Shallow Thoughts" (tm): from sampler@lmboyd.com. Click on Postscript: http://www.LMBoyd.com/postscript.htm

This is a 24-hour concept where no guns are fired anywhere on earth... including on television. What if, for 24 hours, whosoever happens to be at war on December 31st, 1999, agrees that for one whole day no guns would be fired? The silence would be golden. And what if the television programmers of the world agreed to not air any programming with a violent content? ( It would probably be easier to get warring nations to stop firing than it would be to get the world's television programmers to not air violent programming.) At present, this ONE DAY IN PEACE concept is beginning to get further circulation. On April 6, 1997, it will be 1000 days until January 1, 2000. This is a thought-wave campaign. Which is to say, the more people who grasp this thought, the more it comes into reality. One Day In Peace, January 1, 2000...pass it on...expect a miracle. Now, if we could just get politicians to stop shooting off their big mouths...

From Harris Mike (or Mike Harris): Four blondes walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and ask the bartender for four shots. They raise their glasses and say "51 days!" and down their drinks. They ask the bartender for another round. They raise their glasses again and say, "51 days!" and down their drinks. They ask for a third round. The bartender says, "Excuse me, but if you don't mind my asking, what does '51 days' mean?"

Well," says one, "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box cover it said '2 to 4 years', and we completed the puzzle in just 51 days!" (NOTE: Could be guys or gals...)

From Richard Fish, who may be already hooked: LISA, a virtual girl like no other; our most shining achievement yet in the field of database structured artificial intelligence. No competing product can come close to the realism of our latest creation. LISA will obey your every command... as long as you don't get her angry! What LISA is...

• SIMPLE - a quickly installed, Windows '95 based, comfortable interface designed for ease of use.
  
• POWERFUL - powered by a custom database which allows for hundreds of interactive conversations and exciting situations.
  
• UNIQUE -No other so called "virtual girlfriend" programs can match LISA in quality and special features.
  
• VISUALLY STIMULATING - LISA utilizes dozens of high quality photos featuring a very beautiful and very erotic model. These photos are strictly for adult viewing!
  
• CUSTOMIZABLE - Easily change the look of the interface.
  
• AFFORDABLE - LISA is being offered for limited time at an incredibly low introductory price. Although LISA has been well tested by us at Action Multimedia, we are still considering this program a "beta" version. We are seeking customer input for the product before it becomes widely available to the public.
  
• ADDICTING- You'll never leave the house again. Install it at the office and FORGET about getting any work done! Put all your Accounting software and shoot 'em up games aside. LISA requires your undivided attention. You won't be able to resist her. We GUARANTEE that you'll never hear responses like " don't understand what you're saying" or "I don't know that word." LISA will always have something understandable and exciting to say.
  
• NOT CHEAP PORNOGRAPHY -While the pictures used in this program are erotic in nature, LISA is not senseless pornography. LISA was designed for meaningful adult entertainment.
  
• OTHER PROGRAM FEATURES - Date and time recognition - LISA is fully aware of the time of day, as well as the time of year. Don't be surprised if you hear "Good morning" or "Happy Valentine's Day". For additional information and sample pictures, visit our website at... http://members.aol.com/orderlisa1

Send a check or money order for only $14.95 payable to Action Multimedia to...LISA, P.O. Box 9116, Scottsdale, AZ 85252-9116

1. [Impertinant Editorial Footnote: This link does not work. I tried to go to the page. (As Online Editor, I feel it is my duty to check links...yeah, that's the ticket) and was informed it is not legitimate. Click at your own risk. RA.]

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured... There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. . .If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. . .One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30's lobbied against hemp growers seeing it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. . .Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. . .No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. . . Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined

Claudia (I can't spell my last name) Schiffer is purported to have expressed her delight at the prospect of getting cloned. "If there were two of me, " she said, "then I'd have more time for myself." Looks to me like there's already two of her...

First we hear that the Titanic movie is going to cost over $200 million dollars, then that the ship really sank because of flawed steel that turned brittle in cold water, and the "three-hundred-foot gash" caused by the iceberg was actually 6 pencil-width scratches in a twelve-foot area. Then, the broadway show "Titanic" has to halt previews because the on-stage ship wouldn't sink -- and now, here in Hollywood, a yacht at sea to film a porno flic sank this week, dumping cast and crew into the briny. Nina Hartley was the star, and she's quoted as saying, "Things started getting hairy..."

First time I've ever heard of a porn star going down on a ship.

Published 4/20/97

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor