Volume 06

Phil and his lovely daughter Kristin

"Beannachtal na Fe'ile Pa'draig! Or - "Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!"

(A good story is always worth retelling, so here goes)

   Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar and after a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland."
   The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
   The first guy says, "So am I! And where from Ireland might you be?"
   The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
   The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I!"
   "And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
   The other says, "A lovely little area it was; I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
   "Faith, and it's a small world! So did I!" To which the first guy says,
   "And to what school would you have been going?" and the other guy answers,
   "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."  The first guy gets really excited now, and says,
   "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers,
   "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
   "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!" the first guy exclaims, "Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!" The bartender, shaking his head, mutters to himself,
   "It's going to be a long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again."

   "St Patrick was a gentleman who through strategy and stealth drove all the snakes from Ireland. Here's a toast to his health! But not too many toasts, lest you see all those snakes again."
- Appletree Press


   In new documents just revealed by the Justice Department President Clinton, besides the still controversial pardon of fugitive Marc Rich, also pardoned Adolph Hitler and Satan and then signed an order to pardon himself.
   "President Clinton reasoned it's time to put this whole 'World War' thing behind us." stated his press representative. "While Hitler did indeed have a few bad years, he's been a model of civility for the last 56. We think he deserves a second chance."
   "There were forces constantly at work against him," said Clinton, seeming to identify with Hitler. "I'm not condoning what he did, mind you, but I feel his pain. I know exactly what it's like to have the media of the world against you."
   Republican Dan Burton believes there was a deal between the Prince of Darkness and Clinton to help build Clinton's Presidential Library in exchange for Clinton's soul, but Democratic Senator Tom Daschle was quick to dismiss the charges saying "President Clinton sold his soul to Satan years ago."
   Finally, Clinton signed a pardon forgiving himself "for anything anyone wants to pin on me, for all eternity." Can we move on, now, please?

   "Alma" means "Soul" in Spanish and "Apple" in Hungarian.
- Phil's Funny Facts


You're blue - I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
You're scared - I will tease you about it every chance I get.
You're worried - I will tell you it could be worse and to quit whining.
You're confused - I will use little words and explain things to you.
You smile - I'll know you finally got lucky.
You're sad - I'll get you drunk & help you get those who depressed you.
You fall - I will laugh at your clumsy butt.
You're sick - Stay away from me until you're well again. This is my oath, I pledge and won't budge because - You're my friend!

(Send to ten of your closest friends. Oh, sorry. You only have two and one of them deletes your messages without reading them.)

   "Art is long, life is short and you'll never walk alone."
- Hamilton Camp


   "Eek, eek! Do not write above this line! Eek, eek! List all your dependents! Eek, eek! Please sign in the space provided! Eek, eek! Be sure to mail before April fifteenth! That's just "four tax porpoises."
- Joe Alasky

   "Sex is not an answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer"
- Phil's Funny Facts


   Following the lead of the militant Afghan Talibans, who recently blew up infidellic statues and has banned flying kites, watching television and wearing white socks, Iran's Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi decreed that walking one's dog is illegal, since taking dogs onto the streets is "a blind imitation of Westerners as well as a public insult."
   Not to be outdone, Texas prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette on the grounds that it is "bad for their health."
   And one of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA 1979 was chosen was "taste in clothing."

   "Is not life a hundred times too short to bore ourselves?"
- Nietzsche


   For breakfast Hannibal has eggs and Kevin Bacon, and what does he call a hot tub? A crock pot, of course. Anyone with a big smile is a "Happy Meal" and never, never say to Hannibal: "Bite Me!"
   Hannibal thinks the best thing about Domino's pizza is the delivery guy; but he doesn't eat kids from Beverly Hills because they're spoiled. He'd love to have enjoyed Shish-Kabob, but Bob didn't show.
   By the way, Anthony Hopkins and Martha Stewart are dating; he hollows out skulls, and she turns them into attractive centerpieces.

   "There are two words I don't allow in my class," announced the professor to his class, "One is gross and the other is cool."
   "Professor?" Cried a voice from the back of the room, "So, what are the words?"
- Over the Transom


   Animal rights activists protested at Ringling Bros. winter circus quarters in Florida that the performing tigers, monkeys, bears and elephants "are treated like animals," according to Untrue News Pets Editor Darcie Moran.
   She also quotes a letter from a Tacoma pet owner: "They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but our ten-year-old black lab, Angus, has learned a few. For eight weeks we taught him to pretend he doesn't hear us when we talk to him, and now he does it all the time. We also taught him to pee on the rug without asking to be let out. He does that all the time now, too. . . ."
(McGuffin's Untrue News

 "In West Hollywood, the City Council changed the city's municipal code so that pet owners will now be known as 'pet guardians.' The City Council will now be known as 'Those idiots wasting our tax dollars.' "
- Patty Paul


   The late Albert Einstein (relatively speaking) suggests that "There are only two ways to live your life; one is as if everything is a miracle, the other is as though nothing is a miracle."
   Danny Mann suggests that with Midler's show being cancelled "ALL BETTES ARE OFF!"
   Paul Willson suggests you go see him in "Barstow 2008", a soon-to-be-released independent film for which he was named Best Actor last week at the Aspen US Comedy Arts Festival.
   Producer Ted Bonnit, suggests you visit for early Holiday shopping . . .
   And Jan Cobbler suggests that the Seattle quake was because "Mother Earth forgot to take her Earth Control Pill." To which Washington State's Wayne Newitt offers this suggestion from the People of California:
   "The earthquake was just a warning. Now that we have your attention, sell us your power, give us back our sunshine, take back your rain, and we'll take back our earthquakes; otherwise, this could get ugly."

[Go to next column to continue reading]

      "One penguin says to another, 'You look like you're wearing a tuxedo' and the second penguin says, 'Well, maybe I am.'"
- Source Unknown


   London Planet correspondent Larry Belling alerted me to a Daily Telegraph article by Robert Uhlig titled, "Something Fishy about Trout Orgasms."
   "New Scientist" reports that after observing 117 pairs of trout coupling (under controlled conditions in the back of a flooded Volvo), Swedish biologists have documented that female brown trout regularly fake orgasms. They quiver violently with their mouths open but hold back ejecting their eggs at the last second of ecstasy when the male releases his sperm.
   Although it is assumed that the tricky troutress might be "compensating for male infertility" since the feigned behavior leads to a greater selection of sperm for her eggs, nonetheless if a superior male approaches, the fickle female will go all the way to mate with him.
   I can see the documentary now: "When Sally Met Sturgeon."

      "Did you guys see the Grammys? Christ, there are more subcategories than Larry Flynt's home video library. I think somebody actually won for " 'Best Silence'."
- Dennis Miller


   Here's a client instruction I got for a recent voice-over commercial: "For males in their 40s to 50s: Should have a soft sophistication with an underlying sense of humor and sarcasm that comes through subtle timing & phrasing. Mellifluous but funny."
   And the copy? "Chilli's Mushroom Jack Fajitas with sauteed mushrooms, melted Jack cheese and smoky bacon." (This is why we earn the big bucks . . .)

     "They're dubbing basketball players? They're too short!!!"
- Looping director


  • Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam
  • My Dog Can Lick Anyone
  • Party, My Crib - Two A.M." (on a baby-size shirt)
  • Arkansas: One Million People and Only 15 Last Names
  • Heck Is Where People Go Who Don't Believe In Gosh
  • The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it
  • My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat, and
  • NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

A Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
- Ivan's Jokes


   Hey! Get back indoors! Whatever you were doing could put an eye out.
   Lovely nose ring - excuse me while I put my head in the oven.
   Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child after all I've done?
   Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone.
   The same kimono the top geishas are wearing - got it at Loehmann's.
   No fins, no flippers, the gefilte fish swims with some difficulty.
(From David M. Bader's book "Haiku's for Jews")

   "I have never known a poet who was not absolutely first class in his own eyes.
- Cicero, from Audio Artist Roger Gregg


   This year, according to "Give Me A Break", a typical day will be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds), 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled and 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written.
   880,000 credit cards will turn out to have incorrect information on their magnetic strips. 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped and 2.5 million books with the wrong covers.
   103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly, 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly, and 5.5 million cases of soft drinks will be found to have gone flat.
   Every day, two planes landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe, 3056 copies of the Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections, 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled (every hour), 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, and 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS. "
   And next time the elections roll around," adds George, "I'll be elected president." (Could be an improvement.)

   "The caricature they made of Dan in '88 is George W. It wasn't true about Dan, but it is [of] him."
- Marilyn Quayle (from Richard Schulenberg)


   Jeffrey McQuain in The Houston Chronicle describes the colorful word "Mondegreen" (MON-di-green) as "a word or phrase resulting from mis-hearing a word or phrase." It was coined by Sylvia Wright, an American author who heard "laid him on the green," in the Scottish ballad, 'The Bonny Earl of Murray' as - "Lady Mondegreen."
   A modern example? Disney's "The Lion King" was touted as their "30-second animated feature" - actually, their "32nd film." And consider this statistic uttered at Christmas time by a nutritionist on Good Morning America. "The average American will gain 47 pounds during the holidays." Come again? That's "4 to 7 pounds."
   And another good word from Rachael Donahue, Paronomasia (par-uh-no-MAY-zhuh): A play on words, like a pun, from Greek paronomazein, to call by a slight name-change; para-, beside + onomazein, to name.

   "What's a transvestite? A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!"
- Patty Paul


   Ted McMichael, the last of the founding brothers of "The Merry Macs" the first to popularize four-part harmony and include a female in the group, known for such great 40's hits as "Mairzy Doats", "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition" and "Sentimental Journey", has died at 92.
   Ted and his two teenage brothers started on 20's radio as the masked "Mystery Trio" even though listeners couldn't see them. Later they became "The Personality Boys" and as "The Merry Macs" appeared in movies with Jack Benny, Fred Allen, Bing Crosby and Abbot and Costello and headlined with bands like Glen Miller, Ray Noble and Paul Whiteman.
   May choirs of hep cats sing thee to thy rest.

   "I have made no wild promises, except one - honest government."
- Senator Ernest A. Johnson, Worcester Sunday Telegram


G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
(From "Take a Break")



* PP:


Phil's "Signs of the Times"

What about the costumees?
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 03/18/01