nancy.jpg (10725 bytes)
"Nancy"
From the "Weirdly Cool" Sessions.

PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 25



"Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people once a year."
- Victor Borge, as quoted by LACRS Rev, and crooner, David Walker



A PERSONAL GREETING TO ALL!!!

   Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2002, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference.
   NOTE: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.


   "I got four things to live by: Don't say nothing that will hurt anybody. Don't give advice - nobody will take it anyway. Don't complain. Don't explain."
- Death Valley Scotty


"SATAN" CLAUS?

   Yes, some of us know that our traditional Jolly Old Elf is in some ways descended from the European villages' Wild Man Festivals, but that's no reason for the Kensington town council of Montgomery County, Maryland to have shut him out of their annual tree lighting ceremony.
   Nevertheless, since two families who don't celebrate Christmas "felt that they would be uncomfortable" with the big red guy's participation, Mayor Lynn Raufaste decided not to let him pull the switch this year.
   So - guess who's gonna get coal in their socks come Christmas morn?


   "There's no authority in Afghanistan right now. All these different ethnic groups, people are in the streets armed and shooting guns. So, it's just like L.A., except without the traffic."
- Jay Leno


A CROSSWORD XMAS

   'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas.
   The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
   My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
   Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration. Noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance, drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer.
   Piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vorcified loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: "Now Dasher, now Dancer", et al.
   Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by the way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scilliant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.
   The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus Avium, or Sweet Cherry.
   His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small tabular and columnar crystals being. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occupant, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruitsyrup in a hemispherical container.
   He was, in short, neither more or less than an obese, jocund, multigenarial gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
   Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
   Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage. He propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.
   But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility:
   "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!"
(Submitted by Ann Ryerson, author unknown)


[Go to next column to continue reading]


   "I was afraid to even hum."
- Liberated Afghan singer Mohammadvali, by L.A. Times' Robyn Dixon


IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

   Thanks to "The Winchell Wiper" from KFI talk-radio-jockette April Winchell, those of you who have waited til the last minute for gifts can still deliver the goodies. Here are a few of April's suggestions, all of which are actually available on the web:
   Jesus sports statues and Action Figures; Fidel Castro Dolls, My Pretty Nosehair, Bottom Buddy Personal Wipers, E-shit, Vulva puppets, Flatulence Filters and Butt Candles, Religious themed dildoes, Semenex, for great tasting semen, or Fetus-shaped Soap on a Rope.
   Holiday Edibles? How about Bubble Gum Hot Dogs, Chocolate Band-Aids, Kooky Chew Human Dog Food, Chocolate high heel shoes, an Icelandic Hotdog gift basket, Your name carved in cheddar, or Fudge-filled diapers?
   For home and garden - Dung Buddies, Crapping figurines, The Farrah Fawcett Shrine, Twisted Dick and Jane fridge magnets ,Corn Head hats and Kangaroo scrotum bags.
And speaking of pets, they'll drool over Horseballs, "Parisienne poodle" Menstrual pads or "Butt Stink" flavored dog treats.
   And last but least for your loving human partner, there's always - the CheckMate Infidelity kit.
   Have a Nutty Merry Happy!


   "A Transistor is a nun who's had a sex change."
- Steve Cuden


RADIO-NOW NEWS FLASH!!!

   And for others on your list, hot off the presses from our very own Firesign Theatre Records is the debut release of a "Radio Now Live" double CD - an hilarious live performance at the Alladin Theatre in Portland, Oregon. Recorded by Fire-bud Wayne Newitt on April 25, 1999, featuring your favorite Firesign characters from Nick Danger to BeBop Loco.
   Also new from Firesign Theatre Records are the CD releases of "Anythynge You Want To" and "Fighting Clowns", not to mention our latest on Rhino, "The Bride of Firesign", the newly released first four albums on Sony Legacy and the PBS "Weirdly Cool" tapes and DVDS.
   Can we retire now?


   "It's God's responsibility to forgive bin Laden; It's our responsibility to arrange that meeting."
- passed on by U.S. Marine Corps' Bob Joles


AND FUNALLY, A CHRISTMAS DISCLAIMER

   Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, any mouse or mice that may, in fact, be present. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
   The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
   Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
   Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House the investigate the cause of such disturbance.
   At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
   Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
   The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
   Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
   Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S.Tax Code.)
   Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or otherwise ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts"; Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
   However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!"; Or words to that effect.
   Respectfully Submitted this day, 23 Dec, 2000 The Grinch, Esq.


   "You must 'be' the change you want to see in the world."
- Mahatma Ghandi


12/24/01


 

* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

 



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

kabul.jpg (24842 bytes)

Those are some bombs!

captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 12/30/01