Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 19

"Why don't they change it to 'one nation under Canada'? That way, everybody would be happy" - Robin Williams in The New Yorker

ONE NOTION, UNDER DURESS

Robin's right, of course. And after watching him LIVE last Sunday on HBO, I wonder why anyone else even HAS to be funny.

Anyway, without exception, the faith of our Founding Fathers was deist, not theist, best expressed in the Declaration of Independence, which spoke of "the Laws of Nature" and "Nature's God."

Thomas Jefferson said, "I have examined all the known superstitions of the word, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike founded on fables and mythology. Millions of innocent men, women and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined and imprisoned. What has been the effect of this coercion? To make one half the world fools and the other half hypocrites; to support roguery and error all over the earth...

"The clergy converted the simple teachings of Jesus into an engine for enslaving mankind...to filch wealth and power to themselves. [They], in fact, constitute the real Anti-Christ." To which Thomas Paine adds, Accustom a people to believe that priests and clergy can forgive sins...and you will have sins in abundance."

Jefferson also called the Bible, a "dunghill." And Paine said, "I would not dare so dishonor my Creator's name by [attaching] it to this filthy book."

"Among the most detestable villains in history, you could not find one worse than Moses," he wrote, "Here is an order, attributed to 'God' to butcher the boys, to massacre the mothers and to debauch and rape the daughters. "

James Madison stated that "Religion and government will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together." And John Adams wrote in the Treaty of Tripoli, Article 11: "The Government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion." - From "The Faith of Our Founding Fathers" By Dean Worbois @ http://www.postfun.com/pfp/worbois.html

"The world will not be saved by old minds with new programs. If the world is saved, it will be saved by new minds with no programs." - Author Daniel Quinn

A NUDE BILL OF WRONGS?

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other, liberal, bed-wetters.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of NO RIGHTS.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX: You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights." (Attributed to Georgia Rep Mitchell Kaye - from John Galt)

"LARP reports that Rick Dees overheard two KIIS sales people talking about a new assistant.'We've got to teach her right from wrong,' said one. To which the other answered, 'Go ahead, you teach her what's right...'"

FINANCIAL ADVICE FROM H.I.C.

Sore loser Garry Goodrow advises us that if we had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser a year ago -- the beer, not the stock -- drank all the beer and turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you'd have $214.00.

Current investment advice? Drink heavily and recycle.

Also by this week's Barron's, by way of Ivan Berger, what financial acronyms mean:

EBITDA = Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor.
EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.
CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer.
NAV = Normal Andersen Valuation.
EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence.

"Bush had good speechwriters; it's just that this time the ventriloquists were failed by the dummy."- Richard Cohen, Washington Post

RX 2002

+St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

+Empty Nestrogen: Suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of what a pain in the ass your kids were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait until they moved out.

+Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting for single gals.

+Dumberol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, leading to enjoyment of Country Western music.

+Flipitor: Increases life expectancy by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

+Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

+Menicillin: Increases resistance for older women to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person...can we get naked now?"

+Buyagra: Injected prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

+Extra Strength Buy-one-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause a buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

+Jack Asspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

+Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

+Sexcedrin: Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

+Men-Gay: A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool. (Attribution Unknown)

"Former Israeli Prime ministeGolda Meir is quoted as saying, 'There will be peace in the Middle East only when the Arabs love their children more than they hate Israel'." - David White, New Zealand

WHAT AN ASS!

Sightless psychic Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people's backsides have lines which can be read like those on a palm, although he claims in a Reuters release, "The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience. It goes on developing throughout your life."

He sees his blindness as a great asset (sic), since customers don't risk having their identities revealed and he believes that even amateur butt readers can assess (sic) someone's personality.

"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life," he said. "A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth."

He claims he's been groping a stockbroker for over two years.

"No stockbroker would keep asking a blind clairvoyant to tell them about future stock prices if they didn't believe I could to it," he said and added for the skeptics out there, "I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure. My wife is quite beautiful enough for me."

Once more --- with feeling?

"Malibu? I will probably not again live in a place with a Chevrolet named after it." - Author Joan Didion from the Funny Times' "Curmudgeon" column

HEY, HEY, L.A.!

Like, wha's happenin' here this summer, dude? Like - uh - not much. Except that I'm really groovin' behind "BB3" (That's Big Brother, to you who are out of the loop).

Not only am I working for them, I'm like totally ADDICTED, man! I'm even gonna pay to see the steamin' streamin' video online! Like, uh, I missed the nude peanut-butter bikini contest last night! Bummer!

The sad part is - I'm serious. It's fascinating! This year, with the help of my pal, producer Jon Kroll, there's a reason why it's 'numero uno' in its timeslot -- a sense of humor, maybe? And I urge you all to take a taste. (First one's free.)

Paul Willson needs to be stroked as well for his brilliant work on making "Rolling Laughter" for the WYNGS benefit (aiding folks with spinal injuries), such a great success at the Improv last Sunday. Thanks to all the great comics who participated; but my favorite line, as emcee, was from Sarah Silverman who said:

"I was raped by my doctor. Which is a bitter sweet thing for a Jewish girl."

And my wife Melinda is in rehearsal with Kelly "6 Feet Under" Waymire in "Post Mortem" (sic?), to be presented evenings at ARCADE, 8741 Washington Blvd in Culver City, from July 25 to the 28th (my birthday?). Call 310.253.9097 for reservations and times.

"A financial statement is like a bikini. What it reveals is interesting; what it conceals is vital." - Ex-Frontier Savings Pres. Dan Levin, Letters to the L.A. Times

Miscelanies Department:

SPIDER DANCE! http://www.blogjam.com/beta/camp_spidey.gif

SITE FOR SORE AYES? http://www.filthymess.com/

SUICIDE CELL SMOCKS? http://www.pxdirect.com/inmate_u.htm

"M II M" reviewed by the Christian Childcare Action Project: http://www.capalert.com/capreports/meninblackii.htm