Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 12

 LET'S BE SPEAKING ARABIC!

        In my unending study of linguistics, I recently found an old "Colloquial Arabic" book by DeLacy O'Leary (sic), published in London in 1955. Some interesting discoveries follow...

        After yawning one should say "I seek refuge with God from the stoned devil," referring to the stoning of the pillars which represent Satan (or Saddam?) during the great pilgrimage.

        "Darabna-ha" means "We beat her."

        "Enha hiye soda" means "Her eye is black."

        "Dara ta" means "To fart."

        "'Enta Malek" means "What's the matter?" in Syria and "Mind your own business!" in Egypt.

        "Ma takhafush, ehna 'asakir inkelizi" means "Don't be afraid, we are English soldiers."

        And the word for "Freedom" is - "Hu-REE-ya!"

      "Es-salat kher min en-num/Prayer is better than sleep." ~ Islam Call to Prayer

                                WMD-MINUS

        Rich De Maio writes that a friend who works for the San Francisco Chronicle saw this come over the wire:

        "Fox News has reported that an empty plastic bucket has been found in the Iraqi desert. 'The five gallon bucket could be used to mix chemicals,' a source close to Fox News said.

        'This bucket may be a key find in the hunt for Weapons of Mass Destruction. You can definitely mix stuff in one of these.'"

                Fox news. Making up the news as it happens.

    "Democracy is beautiful. It will take time to restore chaos." ~ President. G. W. Bush on CNN; he then corrected himself, but I thought he was right on!

                                ARE YOU A JEW OR A GOY?

        According to the late, great Lenny Bruce quoted in a new book called "Seriously Funny" featuring "rebel comedians" of the 50s and 60s by Gerald Nachman:

        "If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish.  It doesn't matter even if you're Catholic. If you live in Butte, Montana, your goyish even if you're Jewish. Chocolate is Jewish and fudge is goyish; macaroons are very Jewish. All Negroes are Jewish."

        But Jewish women are still not allowed to pray out loud at the Western Wall in Jerusalem.According to Laura King in the L. A. Times, "They are expected to pray silently or inaudibly lest the sound of their voices prove a lewd distraction to male worshippers nearby."

        The Israeli High Court quashed a 15-year effort to grant these rights, overturning a decision to the contrary arrived at three years ago. No wonder they call it the Wailing Wall...

  "We have learned two things from the war in Iraq. We have learned that the Tigris flows through Baghdad, and the Hubris flows through the White House." ~ Letter in L.A. Times  

                                WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

        Here, for ease of deletion, are the latest lines from the front...

        Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all his doubles. "Men, I've got good news and bad news; the good news is Saddam is still alive; the bad news is, he lost an arm."

        One of Saddam Hussein's sons comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard box.  His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?" To which his son replies, "Because there's no Baghdad!" (That's a bad gag...)

        And what do Iraq and a pair of tight jeans have in common? "Pockets of resistance."

     And here's the whole joke and nothing but the joke from Chris Rock, previously printed in an uncredited and adumbrated form:

        "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush',  'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"

         "Democracy is like love. It has to come from within"~ U.N's Shashi Tharoo

                                FRENCH OF SPEECH        

        Pal Michael C. Haney is presently directing at Harvard. The promotional posters feature the words: "French Farce" -- but the word "French" will have an angry scrawl through it and be supplanted by a red-white-and-blue "Freedom..."

         But Montana Miller says, "How Gauche!"

                Indignant cries -"Expel the French!" -- are heard.

                It's not just fries and toast; their every word

                Offends us.  Hot with patriotic verve

                I swear that not so much as one

                Hors d'oeuvre will cross my lips; I will not say "faux pas"

                When someone trips.  I will not wear a bra,

                Nor rouge, nor lingerie.  No rendez-vous

                Tonight (no fiance--I dumped him too).

                I'll use no savoir-faire; my protege

                Is fired, and our au pair goes back today.

                Who needs their joie de vivre, their esprit

                De corps?  Sang-froid is chic, but not for me.

                No RSVP will I send, when letters

                Invite.  No brie at parties, only cheddars.

                I won't be keeping souvenirs, nor shall I

                Be weeping any tears for our old "ally";

                If they won't fight Iraq, they're not our friends,

                So this is where their cul-de-sac dead-ends.

                I'm Franco-free!  And yet, I feel no better-

                For suddenly, I miss my raison d'etre.  

                        (The Lozenge, Vol. 4, No. 11)

         "I would rather be Humanly Correct than Politically Correct." ~ Carey V. Smith

                                AND YE NEXT WINNER IST...        

        Larry Belling and others sent this winning entry by Jeff Brechlin of Potomac Falls from the Washington Post Style Invitational contest that asks readers to submit "instructions" written in the style of a famous person - like W. Shakespeare, who's birth and death we will celebrate next week:

                                Ye Olde  Hockey Pokey

                O proud left foot, that ventures quick within

                Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.

                Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:

                Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.

                Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,

                A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.

                To spin! A wilde release from Heavens yoke.

                Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.

                The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt

                Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

   "In support of our brothers in Iraq, a bunch of drunk guys from Jersey tore down the statue at their local Big Boy!" ~ Steven Alan Green

                                CRAZY AND XM-RATED

        Beginning on Wednesday, April 9th, CRAZY DOG AUDIO THEATRE will air five times a week on XM Satellite Radio. " It's absolutely hilarious" say Steve Karesh, Executive Producer of Sonic Theater "and it will be one of the highlights of Sonic Theater's schedule".'Crazy Dog' is a unique combination of slapstick comedy and fantastic satire that features brilliant sound effects, terrific acting and amazing production'.

               For more information visit XM's web site www.xmradio.com * Also, tune in Earth Day, April 22 for The Firesign Theatre's latest on "All Things Considered".*

  "Freedom's untidy and free people are free to make mistakes and commit crimes." ~ Donald Rumsfeld

                                KURT WORDS

        "What has allowed so many Psychopathic Personalities to rise so high in corporations, and now in government, is that they are so decisive. Unlike normal people, they are never filled with doubts, for the simple reason that they cannot care what happens next. Simply can't.

        "Do this! Do that! Mobilize the reserves! Privatize the public schools! Attack Iraq! Cut health care! Tap everybody's telephone! Cut taxes on the rich! Build a trillion-dollar missile shield! Fuck habeas corpus and the Sierra Club and In These Times, and kiss my ass!"  

                          Author, Kurt Vonnegut

  "I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man that had no feet. He had already detonated his." ~  Magic Mike

                                   LES  SMOOTH OPERATORS

        Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

        The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded,"

        The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best.

        Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

        But the fifth surgeon, shuts them all up when he observes, "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine.  Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.  (From La Belle Canyongirl)

       "Most people spend a large portion of their lives trying to distance themselves from emotional pain and turbulence. Actors, however, are often times driven by necessity - like the fireman hurrying to the World Trade Center - into the very space others are fleeing." ~ Gary Hollis

                                         THE CAT'S MEOW

             American catalogues abound!  From www.americastore,com "All Flags, All the Time!" including a new Flag Mouse to go with your patriotic Cake Plate and Server, a Bald Eagle Beer Stein, a President Bush Texas Ranger Pin and a set of Party Crackers (sic) for the Farce of July! Or from the U.S. Toy Company: Patriotic Kickballs, Laser Planes, Star Erasers and Flag Clickers; PLUS! Patriotic Chinese Yo-Yos, Flying Rockets, Foam Bubble Missles and Inflatable Patriotic Hammers (goes great with your "The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves" Tee shirt).

        Finally, from Dr, John Scialli, my very own copy of "Rest Room World", offering me such goodies as Hygenix Time Mist, Industrial King Size Boxes, and Soap Dispensers named King James, Health Care Henry, Hollywood Harry and The Continental as well as Sink Top Steve, Mr. Gold Medal, Barcelona Bob and the Broadway Pump!  I'm in Heaven!!!

        And if it's Blowers I'd prefer, try Rugged Ron, the Work Horse Harry Series, or...The Xlerator.

        Toilet Holders?  How's about The Berliner, The Keewee, King Carlos or Mary-Lee and Mr. Holdit!  I won't even begin to tell you about the Urinal Blocks and Grabber Tools.  Just visit their website - wait!  They don't have one!  Must be a Mop and Pop Store...

                    "Live simply so others can simply live." ~ Ed Begley, Jr.

                                BAD MARKS ALL AROUND

        Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history, were very good friends, and their wives talked them into a two-week stay at a hotel in the Catskills.

        They were sitting around on the hotel porch watching the sun set when the history professor asked, "Have you read Marx?"

        The psych professor answered,  "Yes, I think it's from the wicker chairs!"

  "While others my age are trying to stay healthy the best I can hope for is that I stay sick". ~ Gary Belkin

                                     SURFIN' U.S.A.

                BILL OF WRONGS: http://www.securityedition.com

                IWACK-Y: http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/

                OLFACTORY ILLUSION: http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf

                LET'S PLAY: http://www.salon.com/tech/wire/2003/04/14/sony/

                DISINFO-DOLL: http://www.herobuilders.com

  "To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." - Theodore Roosevelt

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published APRIL 18, 2003