Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 17

 IT'S CURTAINS!

Things never said in the theatre world...

        BY THE STAGE MANAGER: Take your time getting back from break. We've been ready for hours. It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal. The headsets are working perfectly. The cue lights are working perfectly. The whole company is standing by whenever you want them. That didn't take long. I called that perfectly the first time - let's move on. No thanks, I don't drink.

        BY THE PRODUCER: Of course there's enough money to go around. We have money left over. No thanks, I don't drink.

        BY THE DIRECTOR: Wow, the designers were right on, weren't they? I think we'll be more than ready in time for opening. I think the scene changes are too fast. No, today is the tech rehearsal, we'll re-work that scene later. The crew? Why they're just wonderful! No thanks, I don't drink.

        BY THE LIGHTING DESIGNER:

I have all the lights I'll need, thank you. No I don't mind if you completely change the order of the songs. I have all the dimmers I could possibly use. This is a beautifully designed lighting board, perfect really! You want to do the first tech rehearsal without stopping? No Problem! But don't you think its just a wee bit bright? No thanks, I don't drink.

        BY THE TECH DIRECTOR: No problem, I'll deal with that right away I love designers. This is the most complete and informative set of drawings I've ever seen. We built it right the first time. No thanks, I don't drink.

        BY THE ACTORS: Let's not talk about me. Without the crew the show would never run - let's thank them. This costume is SO comfortable. No problem. I can do that for myself. I love my shoes. I really think my big scene should be cut. Let me stand down here with my back to the audience. I have a fantastic agent. No thanks, I don't drink.

        BY THE STAGE CREW: Anything I can do to help? We'll get in early tomorrow to do it. I don't need this many on the crew. Can we do that scene change again please? That instrument is not in the way. There's room for that over here. All the tools are carefully locked away. It's a marvelous show. No thanks, I don't drink.

           "You have to work hard if you want to make a name for yourself!" ~ Anonymous

SILENT SCREWIN'

        The Borowitz Report (www.borowitzreport.com) announced recently that only a day after Christine Todd Whitman resigned her Environmental Protection Agency position, President Bush announced "ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004."

        "In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Mr. Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington, D.C.

        While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.

        The President's plan to eliminate the environment calls for a comprehensive review of all species currently living in the United States and the accelerated extinction of all superfluous organisms by the end of fiscal 2004. The plan also calls for a gradual reduction of air and water, with water most likely to get the axe.

        "If it comes down to choosing between air and water, the President will probably scrap water," one aide said. "After all, the Iraqis haven't had water in weeks and look how well they're doing."

     "In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

WE GET LETTERS

        Fellow actor Paul Eiding sent me the 2002 Washington Post's Style Invitational winners from readers who take a word, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and redefine it.

        +Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

        +Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

        +Foreploy:  Misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

        +Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

        +Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

        +Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

        +Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

        +Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

        +Glibido: All talk and no action.

        +Dopier Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

     "My favorite developing country is the United States of America." ~ Director Peter Sellars

WINGING IT

        One of my agents, Cathey Lizzio, sent me a review from the Auckland Post of a new vocal artist from China named Wing.

        "Like a shining, precious gem stone," the copy gushes, skipping lightly across the waters of the Pacific Ocean to New Zealand,, her golden voice will soon alight on the Western shores of mighty America bringing delight and joy to all who hear her perform!"

         Click http://www.wingmusic.co.nz/ for an unforgettable musical experience...

      "Two Iranians meet in L.A. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, but his friend says, "We're in America now, speak Spanish!" ~ Jack's Jokes

MY HEAD'S OFF TO YOU

        "It doesn't matter to me: two, four, ten - as long as I'm doing God's will, it doesn't matter how many people I execute," says Saudi Arabia's leading be-header Muhammad Saad Al-Beshi to the local Arab Okaz newspaper.

        But before an execution, he still visits the victim's family to obtain forgiveness. "I pray to God to give the criminal a new lease of life. I always keep that hope alive."

        Sure, he admits he was nervous at first but now that he's got the "hang' of it, "stage fright is a thing of the past."

        An executioner's life, of course, is not all killing. Sometimes it can be amputations. "I use a special sharp knife, not a sword," he explains. "When I cut off a hand I cut it from the joint. If it is a leg the authorities specify where it is to be taken off, so I follow that."

        He has also executed many women without hesitation, "Despite the fact that I hate violence against women. When it comes to God's will, I have to carry it out." With a lady, he will use either a gun or a sword. "It depends what they ask me."  That's a gentleman.

        Married before he became an executioner, his wife did not object to his chosen profession. " I don't think she's afraid of me," he smiles. "I deal with my family with kindness and love. Sometimes they help me clean my sword."

        I smell a reality show....

   "These despicable suicide attacks were committed by killers whose only faith is hate. And the United States will find the killers, and they will learn the meaning of American justice." ~ George W. Bush on CNN, May 13

KEEP 'EM FLYIN'

        Firesign Theatre production assistant Taylor Jessen says he spotted an ad for JetBlue Airlines on a bus shelter in his neighborhood reading "TV or Not TV? That is a stupid question."

     Too bad we don't have any "TV or Not TV" CD promo posters or he'd paste them up ther with the legend "Now available on Laugh.com".

        Also, soon available will be Proctor & Bergman's classic soap send up "Power - Life on the Edge in L.A." produced by Ted "Mau Mau Sex Sex" Bonnitt.

        And from Yale classmate Al Chambers, a quote from writer Bill Virgin in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer: "Boeing is hoping that its 7E7 is the jet of the future, but the name it says people have chosen for the plane - The Dreamliner -- sounds distinctly like a march, to borrow a phrase from Firesign Theatre, forward into the past...That sounds like a name Buick didn't use for one of its late-1950s, chrome-trimmed, tail-finned road boats."

        The Fab Four will also be special guests in a special performance at UCLA on April Fool's Day 2004, produced by Hal Wilner and starring Brad Hall, Julia Louis Dreyfus, John Goodman and Howard Hesseman.

        Tune in on the Farce of July for new Firesign madness on "All Things Considered" and catch daughter Kristin on the "boob" tube in HBO's "The Wire." Oh, and I just learned I'll be back as the announcer on CBS' "Big Brother 4" this summer!

        "The scariest thing in 'The Hulk' is Nick Nolte's hair." ~ L.A. Times' Manohla Dargis

FLAT OUT FUN

        Got this email the other day:

        In school we read a great story called "Flat Stanley", written by Jeff Brown. In the story, a bulletin board fell on him as he slept, and he became 1/2" thick! He wanted to go on a trip, so his family folded him up and mailed him in an envelope to California.

        We would like to send our Flat Stanley to you. Take him somewhere and write back telling us where he went. We are anxious to learn about the area where you live, and how you have fun. Please describe some of the activities you enjoyed with Stanley.

        He can return to us with snapshots, postcards, maps, and any other goodies. Be creative! Thank you for helping us with this very important project. We wish we could fold ourselves up and visit you!

        If we can send you a Flat Stanley, please send us your mailing address.

                        Thanks, Courtney, Jeremi and Sulyn

           "I don't know what we want, but we don't want this."~ Protesting Iranian student

OH POOH!!!

        My brother-in-law Art Peterson writes that Professor Pippy P. Poopypants did not appear in "Super Diaper Baby"as I asserted in the last orbit.

        He was in another Captain Underpants novel where he attempted to take over the world to get even with people making fun of his name. But he was thwarted by the "waistband warrior, who fights for truth, justice and all that is pre-shrunk and cottony." (The Captain's kryptonite is spray starch.)

     Art's son, Luke, is a huge (although small) fan and anxiously awaits the next in the series, "Captain Underpants and the Big Bad Battle of the Bionic Booger Boy - Part 1: The Night of the Nasty Nostril Nuggets."

        Or get the author's latest book, "When Cats Dream" at www.pilkey.com

    "I am interested in those things that repeat and repeat and repeat in the lives of the millions." ~ Thorton Wilder

SOMETHING FISHY

        Guess what?  Flushing your pet fish down the drain will not send it safely into the ocean as depicted in the latest Pixar hit, "Finding Nemo." first warns the JWC Environmental company, which makes a trademarked "Muffin Monster" shredding pumps, the fluid goes through powerful machines that "shred solids into tiny particles."

        So actually, the movie should be called "Grinding Nemo", and even if the tiny, spunky clownfish did pass through unharmed, he would probably be killed by the chlorine disinfection, a spokesman concluded.

        V.O. pal Danny Mann observes: "In the sequel I guess the Muffin Monster will be his NEMOSIS."  Makes me grind my teeth... All I know is, if you move the letters of "Nemo" around, it spells "Mone(y)."

     "Bush's people are having a problem locating any WMDs in Iraq because Ronald Reagan can't remember where he filed the invoices." ~ George at Funny Times

TAKE TWO

        A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie.

        "But I retired years before I died," says the filmmaker, "I got tired of all the hassles."

        "Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to do the score.

        "You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies."

        "But we got Leonardo da Vinci to design the sets," St. Peter exclaimed.

        "I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted.

        "Please! Just look at the script," St. Peter urged. "William Shakespeare wrote it!"

        "Well," sighed the director, "Score by Beethoven, set by da Vinci, a script by Shakespeare..  Ok.I give up. I'll do it!"

        "Great!" exclaimed St. Peter."Now, God's got a girlfriend who sings..."

  "I thought about being rich, and it don't mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford; all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac." ~ Will Rogers

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JUNE 23, 2003