Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 05

 GROSSER BRUDE

        According to an Associated Press release, the latest version of Germany's ``Big Brother'' will lock contestants up in a series of camera-filled houses for an entire year, with contestants sequestered into" a survival camp, a luxury setting and an average living area, depending on their social status."

        Or their rank???

        Among the contestants is a Harvard graduate, an entrepreneur and a factory worker. The winner of the show will be awarded $1.2 million and a shot at being Fuhrer.

              "Fight Primetime - Read a Book" ~ Beverly Hills Bumper sticker

THE BOOB TUBE

        Just today, the TV series "ER" reedited tonight's show to eliminate a shot of an 80-year-old woman's breasts.  

        But the scathing pen of Crispin Sartwell best summed up the flap over the "wardrobe malfunction" (a faux leather S&M bustier with grommets and red frill wasn't designed to be easily unsnapped?) when he wrote in a Times op ed piece:

        "Were these folks trying to incite and justify the jihad?"

        The freshly freed peoples of Iraq were able to see the Superbowl for the first time and grasp "the true meaning of their liberation . . . But something went wrong," he opines.

        "Nelly came on and 'said' over and over again, 'It's getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes.' The feculent ego known as P. Diddy emerged from backstage saying: 'I'm the definition of half man, half drugs.'" Followed by Jacko's sister "in red lingerie and black vinyl armor, a sort of fascist armadillo...

        "MTV's halftime extravaganza - a mind-numbing assemblage of huge, meaningless special effects, talentless schlumps, simulated decadence, and extreme musical puerility - was a devastating indictment of American music and American culture.

        "One thing has become clear about America: We have the cash to indulge in any and all possible forms of excess and corruption...a display of infinite, pointless, undeserved wealth and what it does to people."

        What a rip-off!

   "We didn't go to Iraq to save it, but now we have to save it to excuse the fact that we went." ~ L.A. Times' Robert Scheer

DE-EVOLUTION    

        A proposed set of guidelines for middle and high school science classes in Georgia has created some brouhaha as it asks for the deletion of the word evolution, since it's a "buzz word that causes a lot of negative reaction," according to Georgia's schools superintendent, Kathy Cox.  She added that people often associate it with "that monkeys-to-man sort of thing."

        The Georgia Education Department also recommends the omission of references to Earth's age and the idea that all organisms are related by common ancestry.

        "Evolution" now reads, "changes over time," and in the "long history of the Earth" the authors removed the word "long", as many absolute Biblical creationists say that our planet is at most several thousand years old.

        But -- "Creationism is not science," writes Dr. Francisco J. Ayala, professor of genetics at Irvine. "We don't teach astrology instead of astronomy or witchcraft practices instead of medicine."

            "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." -Mark Twain

FLYING HIGH

        ... And under the radar?  

        According to an article by Maura Reynolds in the L.A. Times, the flap about Bush's military service will not go away and here's the story:

        Bush was in his fifth year of a six-year commitment to the Texas Air National Guard, where after being placed at the top of a lengthy waiting list he had to report to duty one weekend a month.

        From May 1972 to May 1973, there are no records of his having attended his rotations.  Part of that time, he was supporting "Red" Blount in his unsuccessful Senate race in Alabama, and although expected to continue his service in Montgomery, it appears, as reported in the Boston Globe, that he never reported for duty.

        What's more, he was on the outs with his Daddy  because that December, he'd gone on a "drinking spree" with his 16-year-old brother, Marvin, and crashed into a neighbor's garbage cans on the way home. At least he wasn't in a plane.

        He then returned to his duties in the summer of '73, putting in 36 days of service in a three-month period and then receiving an honorable discharge six-months early, "so he could enroll at Harvard Business School."

        Better than Clinton, I guess.  He only "actively sought to evade the draft."

    "Jackson Junior" is credited as Head of Officeland Security in "Fog of War." ~ Phil's Phunny Philm Phacts

WE HARDLY KNEW YE...

         A reader watched a show on Canadian TV with a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton. "Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.  

        "Number 1 - He played the sax. Number 2 - He smoked weed. And Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women. Even now, look at him.

        "His wife works and he don't -- and he gets a check from the government every month."

      The "Gorgeous Woman" in "Tad Hamilton" is played by Moon Bloodgood." ~ Phil's Phunny Philm Phacts

MORE PHUNNY PHACTS

        It is impossible to lick your elbow.

        There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar, the car on the back of a $10 bill is a 1925 Hupmobile, and every day, more money is printed for Monopoly than the for the US Treasury.

        The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven is $6,400. The pet ferret was domesticated more than 500 years before the house cat.  Kermit the Frog is left-handed. Polar bears are left-handed. Right-handed people live on average nine years longer than left-handed people. The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.

        The first novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer." The first couple to be shown in bed together on primetime was Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Coca-Cola was originally green. Nondairy creamer is flammable. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, dishwashers, and laser printers are all invented by women.

        Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace. There are more chickens than people in the world.  

        Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt. Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.

        The percentage of wilderness in Africa is 28% and in North America it's 38%. 40% of all people at a party will check out your medicine cabinet. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

    "Stitch Crisp" is the prop-master and "Pineapple Dan" the Crafts Services Intern in the film, "Monster" ~ Phil's Phunny Philm Phacts

LITERAL MEDIA?

        In a letter to the Times, Forrest Wood from Bakersfield writes:"Liberal derives from the Latin 'liberalis' - of freedom, befitting the free.  Synonyms are progressive, broad-minded, unprejudiced and generous; while antonyms include reactionary, narrow-minded, intolerant and stingy.

        "Accordingly, a political liberal is an open-minded person who considers all the arguments before drawing conclusions. A conservative, on the other hand, clings to one position and sees no reason to entertain diverse viewpoints because he already has his mind made up. "Are mainstream media 'liberal'? I certainly hope so."

     "Brush. Ah, you look so good to me with my eyes open wide I can see. Ah, it reefs so good to me. And it's so good when you're here. Cause I'm tree."~ Japanese hairbrush pamphlet from Peter Johnson

THE DEVIL MADE THEM DO IT

        244 Hajj pilgrims were trampled to death in Mina, Saudi Arabia during the annual devil-stoning ritual. In the rowdy and dangerous rite, the crows hurl insults, rocks and shoes at three 50-foot tall stone pillars representing Satan who alledgedly appeared to the biblical patriarch Abraham.

        Saudi Hajj Minister Iyad Madani had provided 10,000 security officers, but after the fatal incident he commented that,

        "Caution isn't stronger than fate...this is God's will."

        If one dies during Hajj, of course, one goes straight to Heaven. But I hope they weren't crushed again storming the Golden Gate.

   "American moviegoers are much more comfortable with violent images than sex." ~ Arizona theater owner, Dan Harkins

LATEST SPAM POEM

     Aaas -- impinge indecomposable amethyst melodrama.

     Diplomat homily. Conestoga erotica, induct.

     (pause)

     Fecund beryl espionage hager -- Hades!

     Humiliate, cavitate, eradicate. Convey epic --

     Rightmost Loveland.

     Betty Check

  "The correct response to the Irish greeting, 'Top of the morning to you', is, 'and the rest of the day to yourself.'"~ O'Phil's Phunny Phacts

COME SEE...

        "Chexov x 4" at the Antaeus 44-seat studio at 4860 Vineland! Opening this weekend and running til March 21st. Call 818/506-5436 or visit www.antaeus.org

         And get your seats for the star-studded production of "Let's Eat! Feasting on the Firesign Theatre" -- on April Fool's Day at UCLA's Royce Hall.

         Tickets: www.uclalive.org or 213.365.3500.

   "I don't know whether they liked it or not until somebody told them to." ~ Clint Eastwood on Warner's reaction to "Mystic River"

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2004 by Phil Proctor
Published February 5, 2004