Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 08

"If there is one thing that actors know, other than there weren't any WMDs, it's that there's no such thing as best in acting." ~ Sean Penn at the Oscars

PSALM 2004 - KING GEORGE VERSION

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.

He leadeth me beside the still factories,

He maketh me to lie down on park benches,

He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party,

He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the Party's sake.

I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly.

Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending

They do discomfort me.

Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt,

And my savings and assets shall soon be gone.

Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me,

And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever.

(From Ivan Berger, author unknown)

"The Republican way: Let the kids pay." ~ Joseph Grodsky, LA Times Letter

LET US PREY

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion. Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on, if not join the majority and do nothing. (Anon)

"Common sense is what tells you the world is flat." ~ H. Lee Kagan

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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." ~ Tom Clancy

HO-HO-HOAX

Dear friends -- I suspected that the war veteran piece in the last Planet was indeed urban B.S., but the idea of Mr. Rogers being a trained killer wearing a long-sleeved sweater to cover his tattoos was just too delicious not to consider! Out of all the emails fired at me by my level-headed subscribers, perhaps this one from sharp-shooter Tim Considine sums it up the best...

"The point of the e-mail was to tell of the numerous quiet heroes among us. These were combat veterans who wanted to do something positive for kids after witnessing the ugliness of war, and if people thought them wimpy or goofy, fine. Because of their pasts they knew they had nothing to prove."

And the Truth will set you straight...

"Always the path of American destiny has been into the unknown." ~ Carl Sandburg

HOT MAIL!

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier; but it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband flew ahead with his wife flying down the following day. After settling in, he decided to send her an e-mail on the hotel computer but inadvertently mistyped her e-ddress.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral-- a minister who'd been called home to glory following a sudden heart attack -- and decided to check her e-mail for messages from relatives and friends.

But after reading the first message, she fainted dead away...

"To: My Loving Wife, Subject: I've Arrived!

"I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

"P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." ~ George Burns

HOT MALE

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is terrifying, and when a wing is struck by lightning, one woman panics.

"I'm too young to die," she wails, "but if I'm going to, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence while they all stare, riveted, at the desperate, attractive woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear.

He is gorgeous -- tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt; muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps as he stops in front of her and whispers in a sexy, Italian accent: "Iron this, and get me something to eat."

"Women need a reason to have sex; men just need a place." ~ Billy Crystal

DEAR GOD...

Extracts from letters to the Big Guy from little people:

"How did you know you were God? Who told you? Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Did you really mean, 'Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You?' If you did, then I'm going to get even with my brother.

"I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her."

Cordoba (?), c. 1667 "Corpus of the Expiring Christ". Poly-chromed terracotta and macerated bast fibers with fish spines. ~ LACMA painting description

HOT NEW$

Cashing in on "The Pa$$ion of Chri$t", Ebay is currently offering Crucifixion Nail Necklaces, a Jesus Hip Flask and a Jesus Christ Money Clip.

We just paid a reward of $30 million bucks to the dude who fingered Hussein's sons, Hooha and Hoopla.

When Michael Ovitz was president of Disney Enterprises, he ran up some $6.3 million in expenses which included the following:

Home X-Ray Machine, $6,100, Office Remodeling, $2,061,237, Video for Billy Crystal, $22, Sugimoto print for Tom Hanks, $4,424, 55 Lichtenstein Prints, $23,650, Dinner with Sen. John Kerry, $137, Breakfast with the Rev. Jesse Jackson, $812, Dinner with Janet Jackson -- $2,139.

Wonder is he left a good tit...tip!

"Sen. John Kerry today released his plan to eliminate the deficit...all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry her." ~ Jay Leno

VOICE - OVER?

Not if you're the late Ernie Anderson, who hung up his earphones at the age of 73. The voice of ABC-TV in the 70s and 80s, known for his quirky personality and colorful off-mike language and recognized nationwide for his trademark "Loooove Boat" reading, Cleveland's former horror-film host known as "Ghoulardi", made a fortune with his rich baritone.

Now, through the miracle of digital re-mastering, Adam Goodman, who also represents living announcers, is offering 135 clips like, "This is real radio," "If it's too loud, you're too old," and my personal favorite -"Broadcasting LIVE!"

For $2,000, stations can lease 20 pieces a year, although an attempt to create customized lines by re-editing tanked.

Ernie would be laughing," adds Rita, "He had a big sense of humor."

Go to www.ernieanderson.com to play tag.

"The film 'The Big Bounce' should be re-titled 'The Big Piece of Crap.'" ~ Melinda Peterson

REMEMBERING RANDOLPH

As of today, it appears that the memorial service for actor John Randolph will take place on Monday, March 15, at 7pm at the CANON Theater in Beverly Hills.

While his obit in Time magazine pointed out that the blacklisted actor won his Tony Award for portraying an "old radical" in Neil Simon's "Broadway Bound", an actor named Janet St. Amant in a letter to the L.A. Times recalled that when acting with the great Randolph in the 50s in Washington, D.C., John had taken a bunch of young actors on tours like one to the National Archives where "he spoke in detail about the Bill of Rights, the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence..."

I hope the Canon will be large enough to hold his many, many dear friends.

The longest film kiss occurs between Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman in Alfred Hitchcock's "Notorious" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

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"We need to find him a new job in a galaxy far, far away." ~ Roy Disney on Michael Eisner