Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2004 Volume 23

"Do you realize we're less than four months from Election Day and less than six months from the final recount? " ~ Jay Leno

HOT AIR

As John Kerry ended his acceptance speech at the DNC, here is what the world heard as CNN director Don Mischer covered the big drop:

"Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don't see anything happening. Go balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring it on -- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons, tons of them. Bring them down; let them all come.

"No confetti, no confetti yet, no confetti. All right, go balloons, go balloons. We need more balloons. All balloons! All balloons! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddammit.

"Go confetti. Go confetti. More confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons! We need all of them coming down. Go balloons! Balloons? What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down!

"All balloons, what the hell! There's nothing falling! What the f*** are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down, more balloons.

"More balloons. More balloons!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"In countries where large percentages of the population believe in hell, there seems to be less corruption and a higher standard of living." ~ The St. Louis Fed

SAY IT ISN'T SO, JOE

"As G.I. Joe, the leader of America's daring, highly trained special missions force, celebrates his 40th anniversary this summer," says "At Length" writer Dan Kois for salon.com, "a group of veterans has aired television advertisements attacking his military record.

"The ads, purchased by G.I. Joe Veterans for Truth, accuse Joe of lying about his war record and letting villains escape throughout the 1985-86 war against Cobra, Destro and the forces of evil. "In one 60-second ad, veterans of the two-year-long, completely televised war -- in which every weekday afternoon American troops fought Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world -- speak out about G.I. Joe. 'I served with G.I. Joe,' says one veteran, Thomas Ross. 'G.I. Joe is no real American hero.'

"In a press conference, the public faces of G.I. Joe -- Hawk, Lady Jaye, Flint and Sgt. Slaughter -- assembled outside G.I. Joe headquarters..." 'We're grateful to them for all they've done for our country," [Flint said] "but they simply don't understand the tough choices G.I. Joe has had to make to keep America safe over the past 40 years. He kept Cobra Commander from carving his face on the moon with a giant laser. He shut down Destro's Texas dude ranch. He stopped the Crimson Guard from replacing all the world's money with Cobra currency. G.I. Joe was there...'

"We are, however, worried that the ads might be secretly funded by Cobra," Jaye added..."Often, back in the shadows, the people pulling the strings might not be interested in telling the truth.'"

http://www.salon.com/opinion/feature/2004/08/14/gijoe [Salon Premium]

"Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism."~ George Washington

BLAAAAH AND HAAAAH

Russia's Interfax reports that scientists at the Voronezh State Technological Academy noting that meat packing plants routinely discard 7 tons of blood a day, developed a method for converting it into milk, yogurt, chocolate, and coffee which taste the same and contain unique proteins metabolized by the body twice as fast as egg proteins. Good news for all you bloodsuckers out there!

Meanwhile, the English Heritage organization appointed Nigel Roder' aka "Kester the Jester" to succeed Muckle John, who lost his job when King Charles I lost his head. He will be appearing at various historic sites summer weekends next year in his own garb, but will be provided "a bladder on stick, if required."

"I am a national fool now, " said Nigel, "It is the best thing a man can be."

"It's the Stupidity, Stupid" ~ Bumper sticker

DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?

Well, my son, one day, your Mommy and I got together in a chat room on MSN. Daddy set up a date via e-mail and we met at a local cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick.

As soon as dad was ready for an upload, we realized that neither of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later our blessed little virus appeared...and that's your 'e-story.

"I always heard 15 will get you 20." ~ Writer/actor/magician Turk Pipkin

BALLS!

The annual Montana Testicle Festival will take place from September 16th til the 20th at Rock Creek Lodge, just below Clinton. (How appropriate.)

From its humble beginnings over 20 years ago, the "Fall Ball" now attracts over 15,000 revelers for five days of music and fun -- drinking Bull shots, dancing to live bands, playing BS bingo, enjoying body painting, the "Testy Festy" Awards and of course more testes than you can poke a fork at as they usually consume over two and a half tons of bull's balls.

Rod Lincoln, the creator of the Festival adds: "It's in the waste-not-want-not tradition of Montana; and, besides, they're 70% or more protein and, obviously, they're boneless." (No Kids, hassles or brought-in beverages.)

"I guess the 'Show Me' state, Missouri, doesn't want to be the 'Blow me' state'." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

HOMELESS IN NOHO?

Critic Don Shirley wrote last week in the L.A. Times Sunday Calendar that "The theater district in North Hollywood, home of the L.A. area's biggest cluster of small theaters, isn't proving to be an especially hospitable place for two of its most prominent companies.

"Interact Theatre vacated its rented Bakman Avenue quarters at the end of May. The company's president, Michael Manuel, said Interact was faced with $30,000 in changes to the property in order to comply with legal requirements, mostly related to the Americans With Disabilities Act, as well as regular monthly costs of nearly $12,000...

"Meanwhile, the classics-oriented Antaeus Company is faced with the possible loss of its Vineland Avenue facility, which is owned by company founding artistic director Dakin Matthews...

"Declining income from his career as a character actor in film and television (he cited the effects of reality TV [I'M SORRY, LITTLE BRO'] and his age, 63 [HE'S A KID!]) means that he can no longer afford the gap between his expenses on the property and the amount Antaeus pays in rent, which varies depending on whether a production is up."

Our dear Dakin asserts that he'd like to sell to Antaeus, but our artistic directors, Jeanie Hackett and John Apicella, say we'll probably have to raise $1.3 million...

"You're not a professional in this town until the New York times comes, and the next day, for all the world to see, the critic says the shows a bomb and it's all your fault." ~ Actor/writer/director and Yale mate, Austin Pendleton

SO, HO!!!

To that end -- we're throwing another Midsummer's Eve Benefit, at Rhonda Aldrich and Steve Halpert's romantic and spacious Los Feliz estate, on Saturday, September 18th at 6:30.

These "festive gatherings" with great food and cocktails have been very successful in the past, so if we get too many couples at $125, (singles at $75) we'll add a second poolside seating for the event which will be capped by scenes from our upcoming 2005 rep presentation of "Mother Courage" (featuring yours truly singing "The Song of the Great Souls of the Earth"), and the original play "Pera Palas" by Turkish/American playwright Sinan Unel.

The evening will be hosted by Olympia Dukakis with a possible surprise appearance by John Goodman, the star of their upcoming CBS series "Center of the Universe."

Call 818.506.5436 for reservations or just send contributions to The Antaeus Company, 4916 Vineland, North Hollywood, CA 90601

Horror director M. Night Shyamalan's real complete name is Menoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

KERRY/BUSH 2004!

An Ohioan named John Prather found out that John Kerry was going to speak on July 31 in Wheeling and that George Bush was to appear in nearby Cambridge earlier that day. Since it was a rare chance to compare the two candidates, he decided to attend both events. Here's what went down:

"Wanting to see the President, but not wanting to be seen as supporting his policies, I wore a Kerry/Edwards T-shirt. I want to emphasize, however, that I was not there to protest, only to listen to my President. We stood in line in the rain for an hour an a half in the rain just like the other 10,000 or so people. And while I did get a few curious or dirty looks, very few people said anything to me, and I said nothing to the other people at the event outside of occasional small talk.

"As I approached the security area, one low-level security person asked me to turn my shirt inside out. As I said, I was only there to hear the President, and so I complied. When I got to the main security area, however, the same man came up to me again, told me he had checked with his superiors, and that I would not be allowed into the event with the Kerry/Edwards T-shirt. I had been a little afraid of this eventuality and had brought another non-political T-shirt just in case. So I agreed to change shirts. The man took my other T-shirt and put it where I could find it after the speech...

"After a few minutes (maybe 10-15), the first security person came up to me again, this time with a second burlier gentleman. I was asked to stand with the second man in an area somewhat away from the main crowd, and again I complied.

"A couple of minutes later a third man who told me he was with the President's advance team (or something like that) came up and escorted me out of the event...Incidentally, while outside, I did get to do what I came for. I got to see the President briefly waving from his motorcade on the way into the event.

"Now being the curious sort, I obtained a Bush shirt to see what would happen at the Kerry rally in Wheeling. Still not wanting to be perceived as a Bush supported, I waited and put the Bush shirt on about 10-15 minutes before we reached the security checkpoint. This time no one said anything to me, and I was allowed to enter with no questions asked. After entering, I put on my Kerry T-shirt, and listened to the speakers as I had planned.

"What I have said is true, and I am not afraid to sign my name to it."

http://zanesvilletimesrecorder.com (see: August 1, "Rally Draws Only Few with Opposing Views")

The ruling that declared that gay Americans cannot be treated as 2nd-class citizens was written by Conservative Catholic Republican U.S. Supreme Court Judge Anthony J. Kennedy ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

SURFING U.S.A.

WILL?: http://whitehousewest.com/

MY WORD?: http://teamhouse.tni.net/humor/cork/smee.htm

FST FAVES? http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Chromium_Switch/surveys?id=1317997

CLEAN SWIPE? http://www.justtoiletpaper.com/candidateroll.shtml

The boom operator on the NY crew of "Home at the End of the Universe" is Peter Fonda ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

MERCY BUTTERCUPS 2

Garry Margolis, Taylor Jessen Tom Alhe, Brian Wesley, Ziv Zivkovich and Happy Birthday to Melinda Peterson, Lily Rains and Geoff Campbell!