Planet Proctor 2005 Volume 06

"Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window." ~ Bumper Sticker 


As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So this Saturday at 4 p.m. eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. (Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.)

        All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women and since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. (For good measure, have various pork products cooking on your BBQ grill.)

        The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

         God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

    "'George's answer to any problem at the ranch is to cut it down with a chainsaw. Which I think is why he and Cheney and Rumsfeld get along so well.' ~ Mrs. Bush


        That's the title of a wonderful article in a Sunday Times Calendar section by Dinah Eng of which excerpts follow:

        "The stage floor of the Antaeus Company production of Bertolt Brecht's "Mother Courage and Her Children" has a crossroads painted in its center, not unlike the place where things stand for the classical theater troupe, which is losing its home at the NewPlace Theatre Center in North Hollywood. The fact that the production… is taking place at all in the rustic space of what was once a roofing supply warehouse on the theater property is a story of persistence and determination in the face of financial uncertainty.

        Co-artistic director John Apicella pointed out that ironically "Mother Courage" will be the first and last work performed in the "warehouse of dreams" as Eng puts it.

        "There's not sufficient parking for a 99-seat theater, so it's imperative that we find something new…But the Antaeus Company is the people in it, and that transcends any building we happen to be in…and I can't think of a better way to say goodbye to a place that's been our home for so long."

        Due to popular demand, we're extending our production through June 12 @ New Place Theatre Center, 4900 N. Vineland Ave., North Hollywood, 8 p.m. Thursdays through Saturdays, 5 p.m. Sundays thru June 12; $20 to $25  -- (866) 811-4111.  (And check for my scheduled appearances as the Chaplain.)

  "After a theatre run, it took me a long time to start drinking again during the day," ~ Irish actor Morgan Jones


        The husband of one of our commercial agents told me a story a while back that demands retelling. Years ago, a now highly successful commercial director was an agency assistant on a recording session for a local car dealership in the Midwest.  

        After recording forty takes with their regular spokesperson, the boss left for lunch; and it was then that the session engineer discovered that due to some inexplicable glitch, all of the morning's readings had been lost - save one - the announcer's first read.

        The young man blanched and foresaw the withering of a budding career when the soundman said, "Relax, I'll fix it," and then proceeded to copy the single take forty times, inserting his voice slates in between.

        An hour later, when the agency bigwig returned, he listened carefully to all 40 playbacks, taking detailed notes and then asked to hear several of them again. He then chose his favorite, congratulated everyone and went back to the office a happy executive.

        What can we learn from this amazing tale?  "Let's take it again - and have fun with it this time!"

   "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."- Woody Allen


        Last Wednesday at the Museum of television and Radio here in Beverly Hills, Melinda and I participated in a magical celebration of the legendary Norman Corwin at his 95th birthday tribute which culminated in an intimate, humorous, delicious and enlightening private dinner with the likes of Norman Leer and brilliant journalists and luminaries from the USC Annenberg School of Communications where Norman teaches.

        My favorite piece was from "The Descent of the Gods" where my character Apollo says, "This man who knows more than Neptune does of the bottoms of the oceans, who comprehends the structure of a leaf, splits atoms, traps electrons ands diagrams a bug's anatomy, knows not enough to grasp the simplest truths and bend them to his will."

        Melinda and I will be participating next Wednesday as well in Tony Palermo's recreation of the live 1945 broadcast "On a Note of Triumph" commemorating V-E day at the Skirball Center, hosted by Mr. Corwin himself in association with the Antaeus Company. Visit

  "Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money.  It lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of the creative effort." ~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt.


 On our way to the Dublin airport a month or so back, our garrulous cabbie passed a pub and told us the following true story.

        When the original owner passed away, he bequeathed the property to the both of 'em, creating a deep resentment; and although presently one manages the bar and the other the restaurant the two lad shave not spoken to one another since the day of their dad's wake.

        "But that's a good thing for one of my pals," explained the driver, "Because he cleans the windows for both the rooms and since they don't communicate, he usually gets paid twice!"

              "If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets." - Mel Brooks


      First off, Certs is not "Two - Two -Two Mints in One!"  A federal appeals court ruled this week that the U.S. Customs "improperly taxed one flavor" as a food when imported from European factories. Lawyers had argued that the mints "stimulate the flow of saliva, which flushes bad odors from the mouth…" and the court now apparently agrees.  Something smells here…

        Then, Satanists, apocalypse watchers and heavy metal guitarists may have to adjust their demonic numerology after a recently deciphered ancient biblical text revealed that 666 is not the fabled Number of the Beast after all. A fragment from the oldest surviving copy of the New Testament, dating to the Third century, gives the more mundane 616 as the mark of the Antichrist. Just a second - that's my new area code!

        And through a brain imaging technique, Swedish researchers have shown that homosexual and heterosexual men respond differently to sexually arousing odors and that the gay men respond in the same way as women, a survey by Roper ASW. Has concluded that folks over fifty are just as likely to switch brands as younger consumers, and the hardy, invasive kudzu vine,  introduced  decades ago to the South from Japan to control soil erosion (and worshipped as a god in The Firesign Theatre's "Eat or Be Eaten" video), has been discovered to help control binge drinking. By wrapping itself around a keg?

     "Retirement is not like buying a cup of coffee." ~ Nobel Prize winning economist Joseph E. Stiglitz


        Although many of my generation remember Jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," few recall Senator Margaret Chase Smith of Maine who back in 1950 offered a "Declaration of Conscience" against her fellow Senator, Joe McCarthy.

        "I don't believe the American people will uphold any political party that puts political exploitation above national interest," she said. "While it might be a fleeting victory for the Republican Party, it would be a more lasting defeat for the American people. Surely it would ultimately be suicide for the Republican Party and the two-party system that has protected our American liberties from the dictatorship of a one-party system."

        As the Senate presently appears deadlocked on a proposal to unilaterally change the rules for confirming federal judges, these words resonate more than ever as do these of President Dwight David Eisenhower from his private papers, Vol. XV,1147 of November 8, 1954

         "Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are a few Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or businessman from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."  

      (I could go on and on, but maybe I won't be allowed to if a certain faction has it's way…)

       "I too feel renewed appreciation for the good old US of A. Oppression and harassment are a small price to pay to live in the land of the free."~  Montgomery Burns

Caricatures of Phil & Melinda by Alec Monroe

LET'S PARTY!                  

        These are actual names of some British political parties from their recent national election: Church of the Militant Elvis Party, Fancy Dress Party, Millennium Bean Party, MP3 Party, Official Monster Raving Loony Party, Rock'n'roll Loony Party, Stuckiest Party and the Teddy Bear's Alliance.

        And we only have two?  Or is it one?

        "The people have spoken - the bastards!" ~ Democrat t prankster Bill Tuck


        Even though we are on the brink of a potential limited strike action mainly concerning residual benefits for the AFTRA/SAG members supplying character voices to the $25 billion-dollar video game industry, I am happy to announce that I will be, well, the announcer again this season on BIG BROTHER 6 for CBS.

        A new 2-story house has been constructed on the Radford lot so who knows what new angles will be revealed when the show starts up on Thursday, July 7th!

               "Life is 10% what happens and 90% what you do about It. " ~ Anon


TAKE COURAGE: warehouse8may08,2,2366219.story?ctrack=1&cset=true



     A "trombone" is a daffodil in Italy and a paperclip in France. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Gary Margolis, Brian Wesley, Michael Dare, Lee & Sandy Ernst, Chris Gaither in the L.A. Times Business section, Glen Banks, George J. Mitchell and so many more.


© 2005 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 17, 2005