Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 07

“He who casts the vote decides nothing. He who counts the vote decides everything.” ~ Joseph Stalin  
 NEWS OF THE WIRED

 I enjoy “News of the Weird” as much as the next guy, but just leafing through the L.A. Times is enough for me.  For example…

        Bush at West Point declared that the Iraqi conflict he started will “end on your watch…your generation will bring us victory in the war on terror.”  I’m surprised they didn’t throw their hats at him.

        Texas has raised the official speed limit to 80 mph. “We feel, said state transportation spokesman Mark Cross, “It’s always safer to have motorists traveling at a more uniform speed.” Even if it means that drivers will burn 28% more gas than they would at 60 mph? “Texans calculate that their Hummers need bigger gas tanks,” comments Chicago Tribune writer Hoard Witt.

At Orange County’s St. Mary’s by the Sea Catholic church, kneeling in services has been declared “a mortal sin” by pastor Martin Tran in a trend that’s being observed in at least a dozen other parishes in the U.S.  It’s all based on the debate over Christ’s divinity and I suggest you go see “The Da Vinci Code” for further elucidation. Many parishioners face expulsion for not conforming, but Father Joe Fenton of the O. C. Diocese declares, “We stand behind Father Tran.” (But is he kneeling in his heart?)

        And last but least, in school rooms across the country, conservative Jews and Christians are encouraging “ex-gay” men and women to tell teenagers that they can apply “reparative therapy” to “heal” themselves of naughty same-sex attractions.

And research psychologist Joseph Nicolosi asserts that “Our bodies are designed for the opposite sex” and encourages his followers to engage in manly activities with their male children.

        “Even if [the dad] drops the kid and he cracks his head, at least he’ll be heterosexual.  A small price to pay.”  (I wonder who dropped him.)

     “The real reason they’ve banned the Ten Commandments from a court house is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal, Commit Adultery or Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment!” ~ Forwarded by Randy Irwin

BEAR WITH ME

A Priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a major Midwestern college and would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.  One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to conduct an experiment:  They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.  Seven days later, they would all get together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.  The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.  In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, as you know, WE don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!   But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.  I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

   "Those of you who are scattered, simplify your worrying lives. There is one righteousness: water the fruit trees, and don't water the thorns." ~ Rumi

TOOTING OUR OWN HORNS

        “Development Hell’s creator Brad Schreiber wrote a recent review of “Backwards into the Future: The Recorded History of the Firesign Theatre” by Frederick C. Wiebel, Jr. (Firezine.net).  

        “L.A.’s surreally funny foursome are as hard to categorize as they are to historicize but this compendium has interviews and archival photos, with discography, photo chronology and delightful bits of brilliantly silly symbology all along the way.

        “Wiebel, who is the Grand Poobah of Firesigniana, having documented them hysterically and historically through his Firezine publication, has now put it all between two covers and allows us to eat it raw.

        “Ken Kesey’s back cover comment that “’see people are revolutionaries’ is most apt, for Phil Proctor, Peter Bergman, David Ossman and Phil Austin have predicted so much of where we have gone. Firesign is the quantum mechanics of comedy. They cover space and time simultaneously and despite our delight, we cannot explain where they are at any given moment.” (Well, you all know how to reach me…)

"Last night was the season finale of 'West Wing”…and ABC has cancelled 'Commander in Chief,' so now the only fictional president is Bush." ~ David Letterman

THE IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

    (By Goon Show fan Sam Kempe)
    Artery......................... The study of paintings
    Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die
    Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight
    Cauterize...................... Made  eye contact with her
    Dilate......................... ...To live long
    Fester...........................Quicker than someone else
    Fibula.......................... . A small lie
    Labour Pain.....................Getting hurt at work
    Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane
    Morbid.......................... . A higher offer
    Node........................... ...I knew it
    Outpatient..................... .A person who has fainted
    Post Operative................ A letter carrier     

     “This character is a cross between Roger Moore, Gonzo from the Muppets and Winnie the Pooh  -- No English Accents!!” ~ Cartoon voice-over audition directions

FLASH!!!

The Government Printing Office sells a set of flash cards that are designed to help soon-to-be citizens learn about our government.

Question 80 asks, “Name one right or freedom guaranteed by the First Amendment?’

 The answer lists freedom of speech, religion, assembly and the right to petition the government — but omits freedom of the press. You be the judge…

“Much Adieu About Nothing.” ~ Voice-over copy…

DON’T SLAM GOD! 

        According to an article by TJ Madigan of The Calgary Sun, World Wrestling Entertainment presented “the biggest celebrity guest appearance in the history of sports, the history of entertainment and, probably, the history of the world.” Yes, dear friends, at a pay-per-view on April 30, GOD made his pro-wrestling debut. Halleluiah!

        I missed it, but apparently for a paltry $35, you could have witnessed the actual God of Old and New Testament fame in a physical apocalypse previously reserved for “the Second Coming.”

        Previously, devout Christian Wrestlemania grappler Shawn Michaels vanquished Vince McMahon in a hotly contested one-on-one match and Vince later accused Shawn of having elicited “divine intervention” to defeat him and thus to even the score, he would team up with his son, Shane, and challenge Michaels and his God in a tag team match at the next pay-per-view.

        Seeing dollar signs in the controversy spawned by ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and ‘The Passion of the Christ,’ “ writes TJ, “McMahon decided Christian sensitivities were ripe for the picking. The storyline was plotted and the wheels were set in motion…”

        (Does anybody know the outcome? Is God dead?)   

  “God kills innocent souls all the time. What’s this pro-life all about?” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

WE’RE DOOMED

Indian director T. Rajeevnath is recruiting Paris Hilton to play the lead role in a Mother Theresa biopic, which takes “stunt-casting” to a whole new level. British web site “Life Style Extra” says he’ll try to convince socialite-turned-“actress” Hilton to star as the late humanitarian and will bring various photos of Paris altered to make her look like Mother Theresa, who died in 1997.  He hopes to begin shooting his film in 2007 for about $11 million. Hilton has been seen in The Cat in the Hat and the horror film House of Wax, which won her this year's “Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress.” She's better known for her work on the Fox reality show The Simple Life and for 1 Night in Paris, the sex video she made with former lover Rick Salomon. (FilmStew.com)

“Happiness is for idiots.”  ~ Charles de Gaulle

IT ALL ADDS UP

        Teaching math in the 1950’s:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?

1960’s:   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

1970’s:   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80.  Did he make a profit?

1980’s:   A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

1990’s:   A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.  He does this so he can make a profit of $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?  (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching math in the 21st Century:  Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100.   El cuesto de la producción era $80. Cuantos dollares se puede comprar?

   "The President will follow up his speech by going to the Arizona border which will be historic. It will be the first time he's ever actually shown up with a National Guard unit." ~ Jay Leno

THE BURNING BUSH                

        “Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want. He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests; he leadeth trucks into the still wilderness; he restoreth my fears; he leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.

        “Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no exit, for thou art in office. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me. Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion. Thou anointest my head with foreign oil. My health insurance runneth out.

        “Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term, and my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.” (From a retired Methodist minister)

“’Shit” is the tofu of swearing.” ~ David Sedaris

A GRATEFUL PLANET

Thanks to Andy, “Joe” Thomas, Tom Kane, Dana Snow, Fred Wiebel, Garry Margolis, Eddie Deezen and all the new Planeteers!

“The rights to the state anthem of South Carolina is owned by Michael Jackson” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

GO GET ‘EM

“A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

FOTO BY FILM PROCTOR

 

   "I drink alcohol. I know it's a poison and I'm trying to build up an immunity." ~ Dean Martin

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 30, 2006