Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 12

 THE PLANET GLOWS

FLASH: Ed Brayton writes, “ABC, in a stunningly obvious move, has pulled the plug on a forthcoming Mel Gibson-directed miniseries on the holocaust. No word on whether they will also be canceling David Duke's series about slavery or Osama Bin Laden's documentary on the evils of religious extremism.”

http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2006/08/abc_cancels_gibson_holocaust_m.php  

FLASH: This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps.

FLASH:  We’re leaving town for business and pleasure in Europe; and although we’ll be checking in at hotels and cyber cafés, we travel without computers so we’d appreciate it if you’d refrain from any frivolous communications until we return on September 1st.

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” ~ Bumper Sticker

REAL NEWS HEADERS

"Nude Scene Done Tastefully In Radio Play"

"Very Good Year For Poor People"

"Mimes Banned For Abusive Language"

"Lead-Lined Coffins Called Health Risk"

"Ability To Swim May Save Children From Drowning"

"Reeding Tutors Needed"

"Police Kill Youth In Effort To Stop His Suicide Attempt

"Farmers Buy Most Farmland"

"Deputy Implicated In Doughnut Theft"

“70% of evangelical Christians believe that things have always existed in their current form compared to 32% of mainline Protestants and 31% of Catholics.” ~ Pew (sic) Research Center

LAND ‘O’ GOSHEN 

        Any of you who may have grown up in a small town, like me, will identify with most of the items excerpted from on this un-credited list of memories I received…

You used to "drag" Main. You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references.  Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field. Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason. When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would pull over and ask if you wanted a ride.

Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or the town bar. You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of your friends driving a grain truck to school. The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger. You know what 4-H means.

The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend two years later. You referred to anyone with a house newer then 1940 as the "rich people." The closest McDonalds was 45 miles away (or more). The closest mall was over an hour away. It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower and almost everyone had a bike.

You can name everyone with whom you graduated, your teachers remembered when they taught your parents, and the whole school went to the same party after graduation. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road and on Monday you could always tell who was there because they had scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted. So you scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers because you knew which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.

It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town. Otherwise, you couldn't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty," but was actually just like your town.

You could never buy cigarettes because the store clerks knew your age; and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow. If you said the "F" word, your parents knew within the hour, but you also could charge at any local store or write checks without an ID.

Most people went by a nickname. The golf course had only 9 holes. You've peed in a cornfield.

 "If you had a European prime minister who experienced what we've experienced, it would be expected that he would retire or resign."  ~  William F. Buckley on George W. Bush

THE PASSION OF THE CUERVO (1800 -2006)           

        “Welcome to Melibu!” writes comic Danny Mann. “I guess Mel had a lot of feelings bottled up inside him; apparently when you're drunk, the Malibu Sheriff's badge looks like a Star of David. The Gentiles should start a war just to prove Mel wrong. And incidentally,  "Mel Gibson's father now denies that his son's Disney holocaust project ever existed..”

        “Democrats are sexy-- whoever heard of a good piece of elephant?” ~ Richard Schulenberg

A RAY OF HOPE?                  

Joe Conason writes in Salon.com “Most voters in [several] contested districts say that they trust Democrats, not Republicans, on such issues as stem cell research, flag burning and gay rights. Those responses indicate that the summer strategy of setting up phony floor votes on right-wing constitutional amendments -- and the president's first veto -- may have backfired.

Fifty-two percent say that the recent stem cell debate made them more inclined to vote for Democrats, and 49 percent said the same about flag burning, gay marriage and other "values issues." Only 29 percent -- essentially the conservative base -- said those debates would motivate them to vote for Republicans.”

http://www.salon.com/opinion/conason/2006/07/28/dems_2006/print.html

      “We Democrats have a bad habit. We’re prone to think. And when people are thinking, they tend to disagree…And you know, the founding fathers thought it was a pretty good idea.” ~ Bill Clinton

WHAT’S IN A NAME… ?

Holiday in Lake Tahoe?  www.gotahoe.com

Art Design: www.speedofart.com

The First Cumming Methodist Church. www.cummingfirst.com

Software: www.ipanywhere.com

New South Wales Native Nursery: www.molestationnursery.com

Italian Power Generator company:www.powergenitalia.com

Need a therapist? www.therapistfinder.com

Looking for a pen? Try Pen Island at www.penisland.net

Experts Exchange: www.expertsexchange.com

And finally, a site to find celebrity’s agents: www.whorepresents.com

  “Lisa Kudrow, Shirley Temple, Donny Osmond, Catherine The Great, Elizabeth Taylor, Vivien Leigh, Priscilla Presley, Raquel Welch and Mark Twain were all virgins on their wedding day.”  ~ Cheeper by the Deezen

PORTRAITS BY PEEPEE

Tim Patch, 56, who now prefers the name Pricasso, took up painting with his penis at a Christmas party, (*Oh, Australia, home of “Puppetry of the Penis!”) but now charges a fee per portrait.

He was the main attraction at a recent opening of an adult entertainment exhibition in Sydney, painting cockily in silver hat and cape, and little else.

"I still do a bit of building to subsidize my meager income as a struggling artist," he told us. A father of four, Tim studied furniture design after he couldn’t attain a dominant position in a fine arts course; and after failing at finger-painting, his career has recently seen an upturn, He videotapes his work to prove his brushes are indeed prickly. Google his name, I’m sure he won’t mind…

“A man ejaculates at about 28 mph.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

MEN AND WOMAN IS THE SAME SEX?

                The Geography Of A Woman: Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently going but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

        The Geography Of A Man:  Between 15 and 70 a man is like The U.S. under President Nixon  -- ruled by a dick.  

   “Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers were all invented by women.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

KEEP  ‘EM FLYIN’

        As he reviewed pilot crash reports, an Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry:

"After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long.  As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available.  I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed off a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field and hit another tree. Then I lost control."

"I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way." - Carl Sandburg

WHO AM US, ANYWAY?

        A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.” Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

“St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."“

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked,” "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"“

God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said '”You are what you are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes." The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?"“

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is.’"

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as we do when a baby gets hold of the hammer. It's just a question of how much damage he can do with it before we take it away from him." ~ Will Rogers  

SEEING RED

This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287 -- so tell your children!

Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th when it comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth, and at a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 a.m., which ensures that YOU might see something that no human being has seen in recorded history!  Keep an eye to the sky!

    "You are not to board this train which has only stopped to let you know that it does not stop here on Sundays."- British conductor after stopping at a station on a Sunday  

R.I.P. - OFF

A priest, a pastor and a rabbi are talking.  They pose the question to each other, "What words would you have spoken over you when you're lying in your coffin?

The priest says, "He has gone to the arms of God, the Lord Jesus, where he will rest for all eternity."

The pastor says, "He is now one with the universe and will rest in peace."

The rabbi says, "Look he moved!"  

        "Have courage and a little willingness to venture and be defeated." - Robert Frost

SHOKRAN!!

        Gary Margolis, Caroline Cox, Scott Langill, Nick Olivia, Eddie Deezen, Kenneth T. Wilhite, Jr., Melinda Peterson, Ty Granderson Jones and Robert Lee Holtz in the “LA Times Book Review.”

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has ordered that the word ”pizza” be replaced with the Persian translation: “elastic loaves.” ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

SEEING RED

This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287 -- so tell your children!

Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th when it comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth, and at a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.

By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30 a.m., which ensures that YOU might see something that no human being has seen in recorded history!  Keep an eye to the sky!

Or actually…NOT

http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/news/marsattacks2005.html

GO SEEK

Geek: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7193470719293309352      

Bush Raps: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JX-Bx0BETQ&NR

Psych: http://www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

Al: http://194.79.31.98/badjojomedia/daily-654/6.07.27/11.swf

2cute: www.cuteoverload.com

"If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything." - Bill Lyon

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2006 by Phil Proctor
Published August 7, 2006