Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2006 Volume 21

“Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.” ~ Lily Tomlin

THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Napa Valley vintners have developed a new wine with anti-diuretic properties designed to radically reduce the number of times seniors will have to go to the bathroom at night.

The new wine is to be marketed as “PINO MORE.”

“Santa: Your traditional, jolly guy. But the actor should use his natural voice and not try to sound like an old Santa.” ~ V.O. audition direction

OLD AGE IS A DOG

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first is examined within the hour, ix-rayed the same day and is booked for surgery the following week. The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled a month from then.

What’s the difference?

The first patient is a Golden Retriever. The second patient is a Senior Citizen.

“Old age ain't no place for sissies.” ~ Bette Davis

X-MAS SPIRIT

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on and said, “It represents a candle.”

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter replies.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone and played his call tone. "They're bells." Saint Peter says, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The third man desperately started searching and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties from his trouser pocket.

St. Peter looked at the man and asked skeptically, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol’s."

MERRY X-MAS: http://www.sydes.net/free_flash/xmas_santa.swf

"Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. “ ~ Elie Wiesel

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. Classes begin Mon, Jan 8, 2007

Class 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll -- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? -- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor -- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturday at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 - After Dinner Dishes -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 6 - Loss Of Identity -- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM.

Class 7 - Learning How To Find Things -- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 - Health Watch -- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost -- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesday at 6:00 PM. Location to be determined.

Class 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 - Learning to Live -- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing. Tuesday at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 12 - How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours! Beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy -- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights, Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 - The Stove/Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesday at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

(Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.)

"I finally saw the '40 Year Old Virgin'. It was a line of guys waiting for the Playstation 3." --Jay Leno

JEWISH COUNTRY TOP TEN

1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"

2. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"

3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You? "

4. "My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight"

5. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"

6. "Stand by Your Mensch"

7. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"

8. "Why Don't We Get Drunk - We're Jews!"

9. "My Darling’s a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt"

10. "Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"

http://scienceblogs.com/dispatches/2006/12/israeli_country_music.php

“Life is bigger than the philosophy that tries to explain it. You are life.” ~ Dr. David Walker

THE MYSTERY OF CHRISTMAS

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.

(Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms.)

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

ALL PRAISE TO PLANETEERS!

April Adams, Bob Joles, Kenneth Wilhite. Jr., Patty Paul, Eddie Deezen, Bill Coombs, Randy Irwin, Ty Granderson Jones, and Santa and the elves.

"As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people… On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." ~ H. L. Mencken, Baltimore Sun, July 26, 1920

“Let the Democrats clean up after the elephants.” ~ Rutgers University scholar Russ K. Baker

TRIP THE CYBERFANTASTIC

BLACK BUSH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4McmvGJD-w

FAN BOOK: http://bearmanormedia.bizland.com/id90.html

THANKS YANKS: http://www.letssaythanks.com

OY, Q!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdwlG05InAY

SCARYMARY: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2T5_0AGdFic

LIGHT UP: https://www.lighttounite.org/

BUSHED:http://www.ctnow.com/custom/nmm/newhavenadvocate/...

ANIMALS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9Qaf-78ySo&eurl=

?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ote7EGVL4E&mode=related&search=Swap%20R

MASH: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SplR058sqwE

MASH 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86ltDTU1R8A&mode=related&search=

WOODFELLAS::http://www.youtube.com/watch?

RAPTURE: http://postrapturepost.com/index.html

EAT:http://www.heartattackgrill.com/

DREAM: http://badaboo.free.fr/merryxmas.swf

"One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy, are those who will have sought and found how to serve."~ Albert Schweitzer