Planet Proctor 2007 Volume 22
LAYING DOWN THE LAW
. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Same with the Amish)
. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may however observe them in a mirror. (It’s a backwards country.)
. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins -- who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (That sounds fair)
. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
. In Maryland, it’s illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? Well, maybe not as great as Guam!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
THE DOC AND THE PROC
Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." Everyone loved it.
“I love travel – it’s so much fun to spend money in a different place.” ~ New Yorker cartoonist B. Smiller
BETWEEN THE LINES
One student supposedly turned in the following report, with the proposition that the screenplay of “Titanic” and Bill Clinton’s autobiography are essentially the same, which is as good a setup as any for the following comic comparisons…
Titanic: Over 3 hours to watch; Clinton: Over 3 hours to read.
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe; Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist; Clinton: Bill is a BS artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Ditto for Bill. During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Ditto for Monica. Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton doesn't remember jack.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton -- Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen... Oh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary.
Conclusion: “They’re basically the same story! “ His professor gave him an A+
Turtles can breathe through their butts. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make a confession for the first time in many decades. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
The shortest war on record, between Britain and Zanzibar in 1896, lasted just 38 minutes ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
ICE BALLS SEEN IN SKY
Last year, a Nepali climber claimed the world's highest display of nudity when he disrobed for several minutes in 14 degrees Fahrenheit while standing on the 29,035-foot summit of Mt. Everest. Unfortunately, the natives who live in the foothills worship the mountain as a god and local authorities want to ban all such stunts including that perpetuated by a Dutchman who tried to scale the peak wearing only shorts.
Like Niagara Falls, Mount Everest has always attracted record-setters such as the oldest climber (71 years old), the youngest climber (15 years old), the first climber with one foot and the first blind climber.
In 2005, a Nepali couple was the first to get hitched at the peak. And it was all down hill from there…
Sir Isaac Newton invented the cat door. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts
MORE ROOMS IN THE BUSH MUSEUM
(From an inspired Planeteer whose attribution I have misplaced! Please come forward so I can give you credit! )
The Free Speech Room-Gags required to be worn before entering.
The Confessional Room-No one let in without an excuse.
The Think Tank-Admission limited to those with IQ's of 90 or below.
The Bathroom-Currently closed due to overflow of excrement from public statements.
The Bedroom-Nothing to see here; move on!
The Arboretum-Temporarily closed, plants dead due to global warming but will be replaced with plastic ones soon.
The Library Room-Open but stocked with only Bibles and periodicals like “The New Republic.”
The Press Room-Open only to lies.
The Dressing Room-Tour the area where sows’ ears are turned into silk before your eyes.
The War Room-Continuous showing of the last 10 minutes of "Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb."
~ the prolific Nick Oliva.
Asked if Bush might reconsider his veto threat against SCHIP, Press Secretary Dana Perino said, "The President does not have second thoughts." ~ From a recent White House Press Briefing
THE OLDTIMER’S ALPHABET
Thanks to Kevin Feeney by way of Bill Coombs…
“A is for apple, and B is for boat,”
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
“Age before beauty” -- is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions; I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there are bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms; my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
"Post proofs that brotherhood is not so wild a dream as those who profit by postponing it pretend." ~ Norman Corwin, 1945
RETREAD YOUR PATH
And inspired by a questionnaire, author Nick Oliva researched real towns in the USA to find the right and wrong places to retire…
DON’T END YOUR DAZE IN Deadhorse, Eek, Floss, Goobertown, Tuba City, Gassville, Greasy Corner, Grubbs, Bivalve, Fort Dick. Blue Ball, Yellow Water, Roachtown, Beans Corner Bingo, Gay Head, Hell, Slaughterville, Bird-in-Hand, Drab, Looneyville, Spread Eagle, Embarrass, Nothing, Surprise, Why, Bald Knob, Flippin, Toad Suck, Weiner, Yellville, Turkey Scratch, Bummerville, Frying Pan, Gas Point, Squabbletown, Gnaw Bone, Crummies, Rabbit Hash, Typo, Cut-Off, Cut -n- Shoot, Ding Dong, Dry Prong, Fort Crook, Tick Bite, Lizard Lick, Idiotville, Colon, Jigger, Satan's Kingdom, and the infamous Nimrod
YOU’LL BE HIPPIER IN Intercourse, Carefree, Goodyear, Hooker, Romance, Okay, Chiquita, Confidence, Cool, Date City, Eureka, Fair Play, Grand, Hallelujah Junction, Humptulips, Hardy, Harmony, Climax, Security, Little Heaven, Niceville, Okahumpka, Panacea, Cumming, Butts, Beer Bottle Crossing, Threeway, Wonder Lake, French Lick, Jugville, Oddville, Assawoman Bay, Eden, Paradise, Coffeeville, Tightwad, Humansville, Pleasant Hope, Bigfork, Big Sky, Sweetgrass, Opportunity, Short Pump, Simplicity, Beaver Crossing, Virginville, Valentine, Wahoo, Jackpot, Good Intent, Love Ladies, Neversink, Wise, Needmore, Fear Not, Happy, Nuttsville, Veribest, Sweet Lips, Zig Zag, Whynot, (and the infamous) Knockemstiff.
For more on Nick’s latest work: http://www.onlymomentsbook.com
"When your inner resolve changes, everything is transformed."~ Daisaku Ikeda
OUR COWARDLY DATES
We're appearing together in "Tonight at 8:30" by Sir Noel Co with the acclaimed Antaeus Company in our new location at Deaf Theatre, 5112 Lankershim Boulevard, in North Hollywood.
OCTOBER: (PREVIEWS-$15) Fri. 10/19 @ 8:00 (not 8:30!), Sun,,1 @ 7:30, Wed. 10/24 @ 8:00, Fri. 10/26 @ 8:00 and OPENING NIGHT 10/28 @ 7:30 ($50.00 price includes Cowardly Cocktails pre-show!)
NOVEMBER: ($30) Fri. 11/2 @ 8:00, Sun. 11/4 @ 3:00, Wed. 11/8:00, Fri. 10/16 @ 8:00, Fri. 11/23 @ 8:00, and Thurs. 11/29 @ 8:00.
DECEMBER: ($30) Fri. 12/7 @ 8:00, Sun. 12/9 @ 3:00, Wed. 12/8:00, Thurs. 12/20 @ 8:00, and Closing Night - Sun. 12/23 @ 3:00
FOR TICKETS: Go to http://www.theatermania.com or 866.811-4111.
“In the theatre, the actor is in total control. The director wasn’t in the house last night, the designer wasn’t there, the author’s dead. It’s just us and the audience.” ~ Sir Ian McKellen
With gracious “gratulations” to Robert T. Lloyd, Robert Wilhite Jr., J. W. Reynolds, Tracy Winters, Robert Riddle, Michael C. Gwynne, Peter Johnson, Richard Fish, Tom McMahon, Jane Stahl, Richard Laible, Brian Westley, Eddie Deezen, Mark Rafelson, Garry Margolis, Henry Jaglom and Patty Paul.
“The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others” ~ Vincent van Gogh
GET TO THE POINT
CELEB BURNOUT: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-5d5IfdYK4
SAFE PLACE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C0nxw8cG14
50 YEARS: http://home.uchicago.edu/~yli5/Flash/Fire.html
THE FIRE: http://yeli.us/Flash/Fire.html
“You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time – of anything… I defy you to be afraid!” ~ Steven Colbert in “Parade”magazine