Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2008 Volume 01

““I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of old ones.” ~ Composer John Cage

FAST FORWARD

January: After paying five billion dollars for The Wall Street Journal, Rupert Murdoch will reduce the size of the paper by removing the facts.

February: Responding to the controversy over the CIA's' water-boarding videotapes, President Bush will reaffirm his administration's opposition to videotaping.

March: As the writers strike drags on, Paramount will produce the second "Transformers" film without a script, just like they did with the first one.

April: Monica Lewinsky will announce her candidacy for President of the United States. She will offer herself as an alternative to Hillary, saying, "It worked before."

May: Attempting to bolster flagging enlistment rates, the Army will change its recruitment slogan from "Army Strong" to "I Can't Believe It's Not a Civil War."

June: Population experts will warn that the world's population will soar in 2008, largely due to the Spears sisters.

July: China will send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."

August: Sen. Edward Kennedy will abandon plans to write his memoirs, explaining, "I can't even remember what I did last night."

September: At the Republican National Convention, G.O.P. nominee Mike Huckabee will select Jesus Christ as his running mate.

October: O.J. Simpson will be convicted in Las Vegas, proving that it is easier to get away with murder than stealing sports memorabilia.

November: President-elect Michael Bloomberg will defend the five-billion-dollar cost of his campaign, arguing, "Rupert Murdoch paid that much for The Wall Street Journal, and I get a whole country."

December: In his last official act, President Bush will announce an exit strategy from Iraq. The President will withdraw all U.S. troops - through Iran. (The Huffington Post)

“If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.” ~ J.M. Power

GIVE ME A BREAK

Because St. Peter was on a break, Jesus had to receive an old man at the pearly gates and upon seeing him, Jesus asks, "What is your name?"

"I'm so old, I don't remember"

"So, where are you from?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't remember that either"

“I’m sorry, too, but I need some information so that I make look up your name in the Book of Life."

"Well, all I remember is that I was a carpenter, and that I had a son who became incredibly famous throughout the land, so that even today his story is still being told to millions." Jesus looked closely at him and then whispered, "Father?"

And the old man responded tears in his eyes, "Pinocchio?"

“Some see the glass as half empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big.” ~ George Carlin

RED SKELTON'S DOMESTIC TIPS

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was” Always.” Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, “Dust!'” Then my wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.”

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said; so I suggested the kitchen.

Always remember: Marriage is the number One Cause of divorce.

"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." ~ Bob Hope

NEW DEAL SEAL

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A fter all, a condom allows for inflation, halts production, protects a bunch of pricks, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed…

More than 11,000 people are injured each year trying out new sexual positions ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

MORE NAUGHTY LAWS

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.) However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. And gals aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, since a guy might catch a reflection of “something he oughtn't".

And good news: it's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, as police aren't allowed to just walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

But lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car because if the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking, the couple can face a jail term; whereas in Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the car or van has curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

In Florida, if you're a single, divorced or a widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. But if caught, only the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper."

And a state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called Master, not Mister, when addressed by female counterparts. (Which is fine, unless your last name is "Bates.")

“The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” ~ William James

WRITERS’ STRIKE JOKES

(From Ivan Gurvitz @ http://ibreal.blogspot.com/2007/11/strike-time-network-jokebook.html)

A priest and an animal of some kind go into a bar. The bartender says something to the effect that an animal in a bar is a somewhat unusual occurrence, and then the animal says something funny.

A guy goes into a whorehouse and asks what he can get for 20 bucks. The madam refers to some sexual practice, takes his $20 and sends him into a back room where something happens that is not sexual but takes the guy by surprise, as it dawns on him that what the madam said had a double meaning, implying that he was cheap.

A street bum asks a passing businessman for some help. The businessman gives him advice instead of money. The bum makes a derogatory, profanity-laced comment.

A large-breasted woman goes into a bar and orders a drink with an unusual name. The bartender makes a pithy remark, involving some wordplay based on the similarity between the name of the drink and her large breasts.

Jesus is on the cross, looks down at one of his disciples and says, “I’m very high up.”

Two old guys sit on a bench in Central Park, when a very attractive young woman walks by, causing them to reminisce about their younger days when they might have had an appropriate anatomical reaction.

An old man and an old woman who have been married 50 years have sex on their anniversary and when he asks why they haven’t done this more often, she makes a remark suggesting that she has, but with one of his relatives.

And finally: Two Jews walk into a bar.

Most toilets flush in E-flat. ~ Phil’s Phunny Phacts

FORWARD, INTO THE PAST

My hometown friends, George and Robert Riddle’s mom, Blanche, was born 99 years ago, on January 6 and this is what it was like when she was born.

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14 % of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub. Only 8 % of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200-$400 per year. More than 95% of all births in the U.S. took place at home. 90% of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard.” The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: Pneumonia and influenza, Tuberculosis, Diarrhea, Heart disease and Stroke.

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.

The American flag had 45 stars - Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated high school. 18% of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drug stores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Ah, the Good Ol’ Daze…)

“Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.” ~ John Archibald Wheeler

THINKING OF THANKING

Bill Coombs, Eddie Deezen, Nick Oliva, M.C. Gwynne, H. Lee Kagan, Tom Kane, Bill Dowlding, Melinda Peterson, Lily Rains and my partner-in-crime, Samuel Warren Joseph. And finally to Cris Gross for his artistic help last year in creating an exciting and colorful PDF attachment. He’s wondrously busy this year, which is as it should be!

“Nothing costs as much as loving -- except not loving” ~ C.S Lewis’ ”The Four Loves”